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pithnvinegar

No more agreeing to disagree. From here on out, let’s disagree to agree. (9/30/11)

The Band Perry makes the guy Sean the very grouchy. (9/30/11)

In The Future: Human beings will evolve tiny, T-Rex like arms and hands, the better to manipulate their smart phones, tablets and other miniature digital devices. Out of biological necessity shoes will all be slip-on style, and the distance between automobile seats and steering wheels will require a total redesign. (9/28/11)

“His very existence vexes me.” – Lucy, on the subject of her annoying brother. (9/24/11)

Playing the “which spouse in the community would you marry if you had to take another spouse” game. Always a good time! (9/24/11)

Does it count as planking if I’m doing it on the sofa with a beer. (9/23/11)

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe, and a breakfast sandwich. (9/23/11)

Self-serious guy from the music instrument rental company, speaking at kid’s elementary school tonight, said the used instruments had been through “love and war.” Trying to figure out if he meant that literally. (9/20/11)

Isaac, our lil’ pacifist, just returned from a Nerf War b’day party. “Did you lose any of your Nerf darts?” I asked. “No. I never even shot one. And I never got shot, either. I was really good at hiding.” (9/17/11)

You won’t believe this, but I just accidentally butt-dialed a proctologist. (9/16/11)

J’unfriend! (unfriending, Franco-style) (9/14/11)

Dispatch from the Department of Perfect Answers:

“How was your day, buddy?” – me

“I don’t know. I wasn’t there.” – Isaac (9/13/11)

Well, that’s it. I reached the end of the Internet. To say it was “anticlimactic” is being generous. (9/12/11)

“We have a zero-tolerance policy for this kind of thing when it happens in front of witnesses.” (9/11/11)

I know my wife is just being helpful when she reminds me of the caloric content of a margarita, but all I’m hearing is “you fat alcoholic.” (9/7/11)

It’s a fine line between “last day of summer vacation ice cream” and “first day of school ice cream.” Somehow both have become traditions in the Tabb family. Also, Thursday ice cream, Friday ice cream and Saturday ice cream. (9/5/11)

Holy crap! I just realized I never wore my summer whites! (9/5/11)

It’s like they never heard of sunscreen down on Old Orchard Beach. Or modesty. Or Weight Watchers. (9/3/11)

Drunk, or just old? Sometimes its hard to tell. (9/2/11)

“Any spider who makes his web inside a shoe should not be surprised when he gets a toe up the bum.” – Confucius (9/2/11)

Tons of acorns falling from the backyard oak. Either this winter is going to be a bad one, or the local squirrels are up to no good. (9/1/11)

September 1st, people. September 1st. Just in case there was any doubt that your life is flying by. (9/1/11)

I probably shouldn’t tell you this, because ideas like this are GOLD, but when I become a breakfast cereal designer I’m going to design a cereal that is JUST the sugar at the bottom of the bowl. (9/1/11)

All these economic stimulus road construction projects are making me so late for work I’m going to lose my job. #irony (8/30/11)

On the 9th day, God performed a decidedly mediocre rendition of Brown Sugar at a karaoke bar. I’m not making any judgments; I just think you should have all the facts. (8/29/11)

My family doesn’t so much eat popcorn as they shovel great spilling handfuls into their wide open mouths. (8/28/11)

Oh, hello Irene! So nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you. Don’t take this the wrong way, but for some reason I expected you to be…larger. (8/28/11)

Hope the hurricane isn’t too bad. I’ve already eaten all the salsa and chips. (8/27/11)

…has a few hatches to batten (8/27/11)

…smells like DEET. (8/26/11)

I called my mom down on Cape Cod today and she was all like “hurricane? What hurricane? There’s going to be a hurricane? I’ve been watching HGTV.” (8/25/11)

Just ironed my face and shaved my shirt. Possibly I’m not getting enough sleep. (8/24/11)

Today was like that bully who sneaks up on the playground, steals your milk money, gives you a super atomic wedgie and jacks your Huffy. (8/23/11)

You know when you’re camping for three days, and you’re having such a great time that you sort of neglect the dental hygiene, and then it feels like your teeth are wearing little sweaters made of hot dogs and s’mores? No? Me neither. (8/22/11)

“We’re going to need to steal a bigger boat.” – Bad Police Chief Martin Brody (8/22/11)

The person who came up with the name “Timbits” for Tim Horton’s munchkin-sized donuts is clearly unaware of the usage of the word “bits” in our house. (8/21/11)

“He who smelted it delted it.” – Ironworker’s humor (8/21/11)

We have raised two very selfless children. Whenever we come home from the grocery store with cookies or ice cream, they nobly volunteer to taste test for poisons. (8/18/11)

Tabb Family Corn on the Cob Recipe:

1 ear corn, preferably native, cooked for whatever
1 stick butter, preferably salted, applied liberally
1 pound salt, in case the salted butter isn’t quite enough

Vegetables are healthy! Enjoy! (8/17/11)

is trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. (8/16/11)

The fact that the crazy people in our lives think that WE’RE crazy is the craziest thing of all. (8/14/11)

Ike and I, while out for a moonlight walk on a nearby golf course: “Dad, someday someone will get a hole-in-one on every hole, right? Because anything is possible.” That’s right my boy. That’s right. (8/12/11)

Life is a two-way street. Sometimes chickens dress up in man suits (8/11/11)

At first I was like “Fred Imus died?!,” and then I was like “oh wait, Fred Imus isn’t Don Imus, he’s Don Imus’s brother,” and then I was all like “it’s really too bad Don Imus didn’t die.” And then I ate a cookie. (8/9/11)

These people on Bachelor Pad are dumb as stumps. I predict that someone will stick a fork in a toaster before the season is done. (8/8/11)

According to Isaac, I am the “WORST DAD EVER!” I hope there’s some kind of award ceremony, because I don’t win these contests very often. (8/7/11)

Ike and I hit a bucket at the Northport driving range, then split a bag of Skittles to replenish our electrolytes. (8/5/11)

New retirement plan: enter every single million dollar hole-in-one competition I can. Win a few. (8/4/11)

Tis’ far better to be young & stupid than to be old & stupid. (8/3/11)

There’s no such thing as an attractive nudist. (8/1/11)

Note to self: stop making so many notes to self. (7/31/11)

Slip slops: n – wet flip flops (7/30/11)

“What happened to all the Twix?!” – Jen
“Isaac took them. He’s like a Twix whore.” – Lucy
“What did you say?!?!” – All the parents in the house
“”Hoar…der. Isaac is a Twix hoarder. G’nite.” – Lucy (7/29/11)

I’m in line for moob reduction surgery so, you know, I’m not taking my shirt off in any concert venue. (7/28/11)

The heavy metal umlauts I mail-ordered just arrived! I shall henceforth be known as Sëan Täbb, Hammer of the Gods. (7/26/11)

Isaac and I are saving the pits from every piece of fruit we eat. Call it a business plan. (7/26/11)

Thanks to Facebook, I have a solid game plan in place for the people I want to avoid at my highschool reunion. (7/24/11)

The words “swamp ass” come to mind. (7/22/11)

The frequency which I find myself alone in the car, cursing like a sailor at some damn fool politician on the radio, is really beginning to alarm me. (7/20/11)

Google+ was put on this earth to convince me that I need to get outside more often. (7/18/11)

When you find one of your chickens trussed out with a ball gag in its beak, that’s when you know you have a raccoon problem. (7/18/11)

As a latchkey child, I went to Camp Living Room during the summer. Activities included eating lots of bowls of cereal and watching reruns of The Monkees and Banana Splits. Not much else. (7/17/11)

Workers installing a gas line exhumed an old hat, belt, boots and many antique booze and flavor extract bottles from our yard. It looks like our house is built on an ancient alcoholics burial ground! (7/16/11)

His career aspirations to become a forensic pathologist were utterly dashed when it was found that the relatively quaint smell of 3 day old garbage made him gag. (7/15/11)

I’m doing nothing this weekend. Three whole days of nothing. I’m doing so much nothing, I don’t know how I’m possibly going to fit it all in. (7/14/11)

“Let’s DO this thing!!” – Isaac, marching upstairs determinedly. It sounds a little less impressive when you realize that the “thing” he’s doing is washing his grubby feet in the tub. (7/13/11)

Do me a favor, will ya’? If anyone bumps into my mom on Facebook, don’t tell her you saw me. (7/12/11)

Isaac made a wish on a Canadian penny today. We checked the current currency exchange rates, and expect it to come 96% true. (7/10/11)

“Did you know that 50% of people lose their bathing suits in the cruise ship wave pool? It’s true! I read it in the brochure.” – Lucy’s pretty impressive marketing pitch for why I might enjoy going on a cruise. (7/9/11)

Just accidentally drank a fruit fly. Revenge! And protein! A two-fer! (7/8/11)

I call that guy who just walked past our house “Uncle Fester – The Early Years.” (7/8/11)

Bambi Dextrous – adult film star, or deer able to use all hooves equally well? Or both? (7/7/11)

Now if I could just get BOTH kids invited to sleepovers at the same time… (7/6/11)

When the fruit flies finally do take over the world, their capital building will resemble a giant, empty Corona bottle with a nasty old slice of lime still inside of it. (7/3/11)

Just got cahded again at Hannaford, but the clerk was literally INSANE, so it probably doesn’t count. (7/1/11)

People are strange when you’re a stranger, and most of the rest of the time as well. (6/30/11)

NPR reports unrest in the streets of Athens, with protesters chanting “you’ve sold our islands, you’ve sold our ports, it’s time you sold your mothers and get out of here!” Not only are the Greeks bankrupt, they really suck at slogans. (6/29/11)

If we had a hammock out on that front porch, the whole neighborhood could listen to me snore. Or choke on my uvula, as the wife puts it. (6/28/11)

Larry David is my patronus. (6/26/11)

They call me “butter elbows.” Don’t ask. (6/26/11)

I may disagree with Republicans as much over their hair and their shoes as I do over their politics. (6/26/11)

Either my Spidey sense is tingling, or the bursitis is acting up again. (6/25/11)

Good Advice: Avoid grown men who reek of patchouli. (6/24/11)

Season 2 of Louie (as in CK) premieres tonight at 10:30 on FX. If I was the type to make unsolicited recommendations, I’d say “WATCH IT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS FUNNY.” But I’m not. Frankly, I don’t care what you do. (6/23/11)

When you mispronounce the word “chic” as “chick,” you’ve pretty much blown your cover. (6/23/11)

We got one of those mixed cases of beer. I’m drinking all the stuff I like first, but Reckoning Day is fast approaching. (6/22/11)

“Being a lawyer would be really fun, because then you get to argue with people all the time.” – Isaac (6/22/11)

If you kick me out of bed for eating crackers, I wouldn’t take it personally. They are one of the messier snacks. (6/18/11)

There’s a not-so-fine line between eating roasted marshmallows and wielding them as burning torches of destruction. (6/17/11)

I wish we had a wireless printer. And a house elf. (6/15/11)

In the mail today, a catalog from baby stuff retailer One Step Ahead. Either their mailing list is out-of-date, or my Yankee Clipper didn’t take. (6/14/11)

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Also Sundays, onions, broken shoelaces, running out of cream for my coffee. The list goes on and on. (6/13/11)

I just went up on my roof and spelled out “Fuck You, Google Maps” in giant clam shells. So you should keep your eyes out for that. (6/11/11)

The funk of dog is strong in this house. (6/9/11)

I can’t remember off the top of my head. Or from the bottom of my head, either (6/9/11)

If you’re an adult dressed in pajamas out in public, you’re pretty much saying “not interested.” (6/8/11)

“Bust a lip!” I say, mostly because I do not know the school band recital equivalent of “break a leg.” My daughter, as usual these days, studiously ignores me. (6/7/11)

When you think about it, “governing the people” is just another euphemism for showing off one’s junk on the Internet. (6/7/11)

OK, so another friend just had an eyeball blowout. Assuming Facebook is an accurate statistical sample, that means 1.7% of the population have some SERIOUSLY bloodshot eyes. Less than the 3% who claim to have been abducted by aliens, but still worth noting. (6/6/11)

If you really want to feel old and irrelevant, try quoting Roseanne Roseannadanna to a room full of twenty-somethings. (6/6/11)

In my experience, the world is divided into two camps: those who will mention the huge broken blood vessel in your eyeball, and those who won’t but will talk about it behind your back. (6/5/11)

It’s a good thing I already have a wife, because I’d have a tough time finding one who would take me in my present condition. (6/5/11)

Last night I tentatively volunteered to stand out on a Portland street corner dressed as “Cuppy,” wearing a Dunkin Donuts coffee cup costume. Don’t ask. Now I’m working on the character’s backstory – made in China; spent my formative years packed in a sleeve; forcibly separated from my tribe and filled with scalding hot coffee. It has not been an easy life. (6/4/11)

When did the pace of my life go from “breakneck” to “soul crushing?” That’s what I’d like to know (6/2/11)

If a tornado touches down here in Portland I am ready to run around in circles screaming and waving my hands in the air, just as I imagine the safety manual prescribes. (6/1/11)

Dreamt that Jason Batemen was bequeathing some of his belongings to me. I was hoping for real estate, but he gave me his prized lawn statue of two men fornicating instead. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed. (6/1/11)

Post-moistened towelettes never took off quite like their pre-moistened counterparts. (5/31/11)

Sean Tabb is officially a holiday weekend socializing and grilled meat overdose statistic. (5/30/11)

Lucy’s copy of The Book Thief was evidently stolen. By a book thief. It’s the perfect crime. (5/29/11)

I think I’ve got one more Duran Duran haircut left in me. Party in the front, business in the back. (5/27/11)

If you haven’t gotten around to watching the Oprah finale yet, SPOILER ALERT: They’ve been dead all along, and the Smoke Monster was actually Stedman. (5/26/11)

My phone keeps taking random pictures inside my pocket. That’s how NOT SMART my phone is. The lighting is horrible in there. (5/25/11)

I take solace in the fact that I don’t suck entirely. (5/25/11)

Bob Dylan turns 70 today. In a related story, you are also getting old. (5/24/11)

‎”Just because you got dog poop on your hand is no reason to yell at your mother!” – Children are basically random status update generators. (5/23/11)

Those who say ‘good living is the best revenge’ have never put laxatives in the brownies.” – Confucius (5/22/11)

Fringe benefit of hunger strike: less dishpan hands. (5/22/11)

Books are a thing of the past. Pretty sure vowels are next. (5/21/11)

God called. Something came up and he isn’t going to make it. Sent his regrets and said he’ll reschedule. Also mentioned something about Gingrich being a “wicked d-bag.” His words, not mine. (5/21/11)

TV show pitch: the Rapture occurs, and I mistakenly get deported to Heaven. Jocularity and general bodice ripping ensue. Have your people call my people. We’ll talk. (5/19/11)

Breaking News: Doomsday prophets now admit they may have mis-read Bibilical warnings. Expecting RUPTURE this weekend, not Rapture as previously reported. Portents as to precisely what would rupture were non-specific. Believers are advised to avoid lifting heavy objects. (5/19/11)

If you don’t like the weather in Maine, wait seven months. (5/18/11)

In a perfect world, every trade show would end with a complimentary knee replacement and liver transplant. (5/18/11)

Judgment Day? This Saturday? Really? Jesus, Armageddon really snuck up on me this year. (5/17/11)

Suffering unprecedented case of dress sock tourniquet. They may need to remove the leg. (5/16/11)

Let me be the first to remind you that today is Friday the 13th. Don’t walk under any black cats, is all I’m saying. (5/13/11)

Lucy’s favorite books are teen love stories set in menacing, dystopian futures. Girl meets boy. Girl joins rebellion. Girl defeats facist dictatorship. Girl and boy live happily ever after (5/12/11)

This is tough for me to confess, but I owned a bolo tie in high school. I might even have worn it once or twice. (5/10/11)

Call me a stickler for accuracy, but shouldn’t they really be called “dangleberries?” (5/10/11)

Vacation is wherever you aren’t 50 weeks a year. (5/8/11)

“For Mother’s Day we were going to give you a trip around the world, but then you yelled at us about cleaning our bedrooms, so we changed our minds. XO the kids” (5/7/11)

Isaac (age 9), post-shower, commenting on his laundry situation: “Two shirts, no pants! No underwear either!!” Sounds like the making of an interesting evening. (5/5/11)

Sean Tabb has an uncanny ability to surmise. (5/4/11)

Damn pharmaceutical companies. Just saw a commercial for an abdominal pain medication that states, as a side effect warning, “may cause abdominal pain.” (5/3/11)

When you think about it, Raisin Bran is really a testament to American ingenuity, the way they get those raisins to remain evenly distributed throughout the bran flakes and not settle to the bottom of the box. An impressive feat of modern breakfast cereal engineering, when you think about it. (5/1/11)

There’s only one thing to do when you’re down to your last three ice cream sandwiches – send the kids to bed and make yourself an ice cream sandwich sandwich. (4/30/11)

Spring has sprung. Guess I can finally throw this fleece in the laundry. Ha ha! Just kidding. It actually walked downstairs by itself. (4/29/11)

If I were writing this wedding scene, it would be right about now that the bride’s ex-boyfriend showed up outside, panicked and unshaven, beating on the glass windows of Westminster. “Kate!!!!” he would shout. Their eyes lock, then Kate throws down her bouquet and dashes for the doors amid the horrified gasps of wedding guests, chased by Will and Harry. Camilla’s hat would come unpinned. (4/29/11)

Help. I’m trapped in a house with people who eat all the ice cream. Please send dessert. (4/28/11)

I didn’t think it was possible to care about anything less than I care about Desperate Housewives, but Will & Kate’s royal wedding proved me wrong. ( 4/27/11)

Hey, J. Crew. Judging by the models in your new catalog, the current target demographic is hipsters in clamdiggers with considerable disposable income. Good luck with that. (4/26/11)

‘ve got a rock stuck under the ” ” on my keyboard. nconcevable! There s no nstantaneous soluton, as far as can see. (4/25/11)

There’s nothing I love better than “poking” my friends on Facebook. I mean that euphemistically. (4/23/11)

I have found where the Easter candy is hidden and am eating it now. Please send an intervention team asap, or tomorrow morning will be sad. <<munch munch>> (4/23/11)

“Dad, I had to go commando today ’cause there’s no underwear in my dresser, no underwear in the closet, none in the dryer…” – Isaac. Guess it’s time to do some laundry. (4/23/11)

Just got cahded at the packie. (4/22/11)

Someday we’re going to look back at this whole internet thing and be like “what the hell was THAT all about?” (4/21/11)

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a Cadbury Cream Egg, and he’ll be all like ‘Screw the fish.'” – Confucius (4/20/11)

Contributions to my yurt fund are now being accepted. (4/20/11)

I was all set to run the Boston Marathon this morning, but then I had some problems with my alarm clock. (4/18/11)

With horses and dogs you can whisper, but some animals require just a little bit more. That’s why I am the CHILD SCREAMER! (4/17/11)

“Would you still have fallen in love me if I looked like this?” – Jen, doing bizarre overbite-like thing with her teeth. “No. Maybe not so much.” – Sean (4/16/11)

Kicking names and taking butts. I know. I wish someone had pointed out my confusion a little earlier in the day. (4/14/11)

“Handsome? He’s not handsome. That guy looks like he has ten inches of face squished into eight.” – reason #2,136 why my wife is the awesomest. (4/13/11)

“So dad’s allowed to watch TV, but I’m not?” – Isaac. “Yes, that’s right. And when you’re a grown-up, you’ll be able to make arbitrary rules as well.” – Jen (4/9/11)

Things I’ve learned: Avoid medical procedures promoted via Groupon. (4/7/11)

There are rumblings of a vegetarian revolt in this house. I’ma have to crack down on the rebels. Dropping meat bombs now. (4/5/11)

The Curse of Half Listening – I only half understand half of what’s going on half the time. And if the subject is my mother, multiply by two. (4/4/11)

Idiom of the Week: “Bone up – to study intensely, usually at the last minute.” Now if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got a whole lot of boning up to do (4/4/11)

I’m making my special mindbending, mood-mending margaritas tonight. Anybody want one? (4/3/11)

You hardly ever meet someone named Snidely these days. Or Peabo. Hardly ever. (4/2/11)

Yeah, I ‘ve pretty much given up on the whole shoveling thing. It’ll melt eventually. (4/1/11)

There ain’t no good guy / there ain’t no bad guy / there’s only you and me and you don’t know how to load the dishwasher. (4/1/11)

Mercury is in retrograde. That’s a convenient excuse for everything. (3/30/11)

My id has been on a rampage lately. (3/29/11)

That whole commandment about not coveting thy neighbor’s wife is no problemo for me. My neighbor’s wife is a horror show. (3/28/11)

When they said this coffee was “strong enough to grow hair on your chest,” I assumed they meant more than one. (3/26/11)

These kids need to go clothes shopping AGAIN. Clearly we’re not doing enough to stunt their growth. (3/25/11)

is baking a lasagna for Larry Fortensky. (3/23/11)

Somebody slipped Bertie Botts in with my Jelly Bellys. (3/22/11)

End of vacation. Tired and cranky. Low brain wattage. Just started an argument with my family over gum. (3/21/11)

Advice to my kids – no cookies for breakfast before roller coasters at Universal Studios. You can’t toss what you don’t eat. (3/21/11)

Son somewhat feloniously selected a fancy chopstick from P.F. Chang’s for his wand. Or did it chose him? Whatever, it’s signature spell, “kungpaochicken,” makes you extra spicy (3/20/11)

Isaac just told me he loves me “more than cheese.” If you knew the insane amount of cheese this kid eats, you would understand how much that means to me. (3/20/11)

Ok, it’s beautiful and all, but “supermoon” may be a bit of an overstatement. To me it looks more like an “imperceptibly larger than normal moon.” (3/19/11)

My Florida vacation beard bears more than a passing resemblance to Ernest Hemingway’s. When he was 10 years old. (3/19/11)

It’s a very particular look, the 50-something man with the salt & pepper blowout and the bowling shirt with the flames on it. (3/18/11)

“Man, it’s not easy taping things to people’s faces in a rainstorm.” – the last thing I dreamt before waking up. (3/18/11)

I don’t feel tardy (3/17/11)

Misspelled menu item: VIRGINA Sea Scallops

Isaac (after much laughter): “That doesn’t sound like something anyone would want to talk about, right mom?”

Jen: “Well, I don’t know about that.”

Isaac: “It definitely doesn’t sound like anything anyone would want to EAT.” (3/16/11)

If I’m paying $25 dollars to check a bag, I am STUFFING it. I’m pretty sure there’s room enough for a six-pack and the dog in there (3/14/11)

No seating assignments for our flight down to Florida. God, I hope they stick my kids next to some poor, unsuspecting strangers. (3/13/11)

Back when we were young, PajamaJeans® were what you slept in when you were too drunk to get undressed. (3/13/11)

“Don’t look to closely at melting city snow. It’s black and full of wet trash. Gross.” – Confucius (3/13/11)

Here’s the plan: tonight instead of setting the clock ahead by an hour, I’m planning to set my clock back 23 hours instead. (3/12/11)

Celery makes an excellent peanut butter delivery system. (3/12/11)

When I have a tailgater driving on my ass, it makes me want to drive SLOWER. But then, I’m personality type FU. (3/10/11)

The older I get, the more I empathize with Andy Rooney’s eyebrows. (3/9/11)

Breaking News: Charlie Sheen FIRED from Two and a Half Men. Can’t wait to see what mortifying way the writers kill him off: Extreme hubris? Syphilis? Cutaneous horn? (3/7/11)

Son has wife’s cell phone in his back pocket, is pretending that ring tones are coming out of his butt. I don’t mean to encourage this kind of thing, but that’s some good shtick. (3/5/11)

Favorite McDonald’s menu item that also describes post-St. Patrick’s Day delirium tremens: Shamrock Shakes. (3/5/11)

Breaking News You Kinda Thought Had Happened A Looong Time Ago: Phil Collins gets all “the world of modern music is no place for a sappy bloke like me, ” announces retirement. (3/4/11)

Put my son in the shower and forgot about him. 45 minutes later, he’d transmogrified into a prune. (3/3/11)

Suffered the world’s worst paper cut today. Full-on edge of a manila folder, sliced like a samurai sword underneath the fingernail. Worker’s Comp has been notified. Pray for me. (3/2/11)

As has been previously documented, my daughter Lucy is a FAST talker. “Me and Helen were partners in this” seriously sounded like “me in hell was farting like this.” (3/1/11)

If you refer to my long range strategic plan, it says right there on page 42 “Manage expectations; be useless in the kitchen.” (2/28/11)

I swear I just saw James Franco cough up a little smoke. (2/27/11)

“Tim Gunn! How the hell are you? What am I wearing? I’m glad you asked. Tonight I’m dressed in really big LL Bean shearling lined slippers, Horny Toad fleece and vintage J Crew bootcut jeans. By “vintage,” I mean I’ve worn them 100,000 times. Note the very authentic “distressed” look. Wish me luck. I’m up for Guy Who’s Seen The Fewest Nominated Movies.” (2/27/11)

Sean is in one of those “post things then succumb to crippling self-doubt and delete them” kind of moods. (2/27/11)

I just went to faceboink.com, the fault of sloppy typing. Oh, the things I can’t unsee. (2/26/11)

I don’t know much, but I know I’m way too old to step foot inside an Abercrombie & Fitch. (2/25/11)

That Cee Lo Green song “F You” was growing on me so I had it removed and it left a scab but now I’m almost fully healed. Just a tiny scar. (2/24/11)

Breaking News: Gagadaffi, clad in kaftan made of meat, blames political instability on people doing drugs. Quickly departs in bullet-proof egg. (2/22/11)

To celebrate the kids’ school vacation week, we’re going to turn up the heat in the house and pretend we’re in Florida (2/21/11)

If it were up to me, Charlie Sheen would be the new prime minister of Italy and Silvio Berlusconi would star on Two and a Half Men. (2/20/11)

I’m going to inflict karaoke on some poor, unsuspecting bar patrons. (2/19/11)

I suck at schmoozing. (2/17/11)

Breaking News: Following tonight’s Jeopardy episode, Ken Jennings “accidentally” spilled a glass of H2O on Watson, killing him. (2/15/11)

The average guy spends $159 on Valentine’s Day. In a related story, I spend $159 less than the average guy on Valentine’s Day. (2/14/11)

Sean loves you. He’s just not IN love with you (2/14/11)

I’m working on a plan to date Taylor Swift, then dump her so that she’ll write a song about me. So far, the whole thing seems foolproof. (2/13/11)

I could tell you what I did today but then I would need to stab a giant hypodermic of adrenaline straight into your heart, to save you from death by boredom. Your call. (2/13/11)

What started out as a phase I was going through eventually just became my life (2/12/11)

Isaac, age 8, is really into breaking a Guinness World Record. As long as it doesn’t take all day (2/11/11)

Just when Hosni was starting to gain some traction as a popular boy’s name… (2/10/11)

If you find the Michelin Man sexy, you might like me in my three layers of fleece. (2/10/11)

In Canada, a $5 Foot Long is only $4.97. #thingstoknowbeforeyouplanyoursummervacation (2/8/11)

Time for a new washing machine. The old one’s squeaking like a beat-up boxspring on a hot night at Big Momma’s house. (2/8/11)

It’s like I always tell the kids, a sock or shoe abandoned on the side of the road can only mean one thing: giant man-eating snakes have been here. (2/7/11)

None of these Superbowl ads are making me want to buy things. (2/6/11)

If you knew how many jalapeno poppers I plan on eating tonight, you would be a pal and call me an ambulance. (2/6/11)

Driving four 12 year old girls to the mall. The “Lucy, your dad is sooo lame” vibe is pretty thick in this car. (2/5/11)

I’ve got ooblick on my fingers. (2/5/11)

“Narahhh whorree nddd frotsch bimmm” – my wife, yawning while saying something to me. I hope it wasn’t too important. (2/4/11)

Groundhog predicts an early spring! In a separate but not unrelated news story, groundhog also suspected of doing meth. (2/2/11)

If my status updates are taking a darker turn, blame it on the snow. 20 more inches expected on Wednesday, on top of the 1,000 we’ve already seen. Be warned, if you say “hey, this is winter in Maine, What do you expect?”, I will hunt you down and run over your snowblower. Then I will kill you. (1/31/11)

I have this theory that irritating children grow up to be irritating adults, a theory I openly share with my children whenever they’re being irritating. (1/31/11)

Another Friday night. Just me and the wife, sitting around, coughing up a lung or two. (1/28/11)

Let Mr. Sheen’s hernia be a valuable lesson. When picking up hookers, remember to lift with your legs, not your back. (1/28/11)

For Sale: One set of morals. Flexible. Gently used. (1/27/11)

It’s funny how we love our dogs and believe them to be so soulful and wise, almost like another human being in our house, like a true member of our family…until we discover them eating dirty Kleenex out of the bathroom garbage, and then we’re all like “nasty.” (1/26/11)

Democrats and Republicans commingling throughout the room?! I sure hope they wore their ideological condoms. (1/25/11)

Let’s disagree to agree. (1/25/11)

If there’s a world record for Most Unruly Bedhead, I absolutely shattered it this morning. (1/25/11)

I had about five great status updates lined up this evening, but none were approved by Standards and Practices. (1/22/11)

“When I was a kid there was no such THING as sliders. Hamburgers were REGULAR sized.” (best said in old, Grampa Simpson voice) (1/22/11)

Just discovered that this new Nickelodeon show is not called “House of a Nudist,” as I’d previously thought. It’s “House of Anubis.” I feel a tiny bit better about letting the kids watch it now. (1/21/11)

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” – Hanlon’s Razor (1/21/11)

What I’ve Learned: With one kid, it’s easy to figure out who flicked the booger on the dining room ceiling. With two, not so much. (1/18/11)

What Else I’ve Learned: Martinis are the best analgesic for back pain caused by snow shoveling. (1/18/11)

When it comes to Jelly Belly jelly beans, you can’t possibly eat just one…hundred…and thirty-two (1/18/11)

“…uh uh, I, uh uh…” – Aaron Sorkin, The Golden Globes. (1/16/11)

Rex Ryan is GOING DOWN…on somebody’s big toe. And then he’s getting his ass kicked by the Patriots. #footfetishesarefunny (1/15/11)

What does this mean, “iTunes Terms & Conditions have changed”? You expect me to just AGREE to this?! I’m sorry, but I need to consult with my attorney. (1/15/11)

No day off for me. Stationery never sleeps. I am, however, going all Stormcenter News Team today – ugly sweater, beard stubble, unkempt hair. Actually, kind of sounds like a normal Wednesday. (1/12/11)

Snow tomorrow. Expecting anywhere from a dusting to 6 feet, says the meteorologist’s voice inside my head. (1/11/11)

There goes Jets coach Rex Ryan, sticking his foot in his mouth again. I hear he has a fetish for that sort of thing. (1/11/11)

I prefer an ice cream with a HCQ (high chunk quotient). (1/10/11)

Isaac has discovered Mad Libs. Now all he wants to do is (verb) his (plural noun), and drive me up a (adjective) (verb ending in “ing”) (noun). (1/9/11)

The Internet News Cycle: From tragic event to vilifying anger to righteous indignation to measured analysis to poop jokes. Repeat. (1/8/11)

“Hey! Hello? Where is everyone?” – Guy who has never made the switch over to Facebook from Classmates.com (1/8/11)

Big Balls! Who’s with me? (1/6/11)

For me popcorn eating is a kind of religious experience, one where the epiphany is consumed very quickly and half of it ends up down my shirt or on the floor. Did I mention I’m not very religious? (1/6/11)

My New Year’s resolutions typically only last five days, so it’s not all that unusual that I should plan on skipping the gym tomorrow. (1/5/11)

“I really think we should get a Wii” – 12 yo daughter; “Really? That’s funny. I DON’T think we should get a Wii. See how we cancel one another out?” – 42 yo a-hole dad. (1/5/11)

My son, for better or worse, is the modern day incarnation of Denny Terrio. (1/2/11)

The worst husband/wife arguments are the ones that end with you digging through the kitchen garbage just to prove yourself wrong. (1/2/11)

January 2nd already?! Geez, this year is flying by. (1/2/11)

The regifting shelf overfloweth this holiday season. (1/1/11)

Courtney Love AND Scott Weiland made it through another whole year!? I am losing my shirt in the Celebrity Death Pool. (12/30/10)

Sean slept like a man with an unfamiliar dog curled up next to him in bed. (12/30/10)

Jack has arrived. Observation #1 – he doesn’t seem to mind when Rufus pees on his head. And now that Rufus has marked Jack as his “territory,” the two seem to be getting on great. In case you’re tuning in late, these are DOGS we’re talking about. – 12/29/10

I’ve got Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” stuck in my head. It feels a little creepy. (12/28/10)

“I would have bought you an iPad for Christmas, but I was about $480 short.” – Lucy (12/27/10)

Already safe and sound at home in Maine. We don’t waste time. In and out, like a Christmas commando mission. (12/26/10)

There must be some rule that requires grandparents to awaken before dawn and empty the dishwasher as loudly as humanly possible. (12/26/10)

The day after December 25th is also a sort-of holiday, for those of us who celebrate not having to listen to Christmas songs anymore. (12/25/10)

Just returned from our annual Celebration of Diminishing Returns, where we trade in $20 of winning scratch tix and end up with $10, then do it again and end up with $5, and eventually zilch, and sometimes children cry. (12/25/10)

Isaac is obsessively monitoring NORAD as Santa inches his way across east Asia. This is going to be a long day. (12/24/10)

Heading to the Cape tomorrow for Xmas. Don’t worry, it’s cool. Santa has my mother’s address in his GPS. (12/23/10)

I’m easing into my vacation with gin. It doesn’t start for two more days, but like I said, I’m eaasssinng. (12/21/10)

I suspect my son is keeping a secret stash of sweets. The evidence – every time I do laundry, I find candy wrappers in his pockets. If you see him, don’t mention it; he’s sensitive when it comes to truth. (12/21/10)

Currently there is just me and sleep. Anything that comes between us is toast. So I guess there’s also toast. (12/20/10)

If you can’t be talented, then at least be durable. (12/19/10)

Do you ever take separate cars and race your spouse home from a restaurant? And do they cheat and drive all Fast and Furious and break a bunch of laws to win? Well, now you know what it feels like to be me. (12/17/10)

I’ve got to slap out of it. (12/16/10)

I think I speak for all men when I say, if it wasn’t for Christmas, I would never have any new socks. (12/14/10)

Antiques Road Show always makes me think “Shoot. Why can’t I have ancestors who leave me really valuable old stuff? Stupid ancestors.” (12/13/10)

The Patriots are not only dominant, but unfailingly polite. They stop scoring in the 2nd half, so the Bears don’t feel so bad. #goodmanners (12/12/10)

When the weather’s like this, I want nothing more than one of those dogs who knows how to use an indoor toilet. (12/12/10)

Apparently, riding the dog like its a small horse is FROWNED UPON in this ESTABLISHMENT! (12/12/10)

Feels like one o’ them “let’s go out for breakfast” mornings to me. (12/12/10)

This Supernanny show exists so that you and I can feel like our kids, no matter how challenging they may sometime seem, are a WHOLE lot better than THAT. (12/10/10)

♪ There’ll be much mistletoeing and parts will be growing whenever you’re near! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! ♫ (12/9/10)

Ways to be taken seriously #86: They’re “galoshes.” Don’t call them “rubbers.” A serious person would never wear rubbers on their feet. (12/8/10)

Actual headline, right now at MSNBC: “For president, tax compromise is a back-door stimulus plan.” So THAT’S what they’re calling “the shaft” these days. (12/8/10)

Ways to be taken seriously #28: Wear an eye patch. (12/7/10)

“You never forget your first Subaru.” But you might forget where you parked your first Subaru. (12/7/10)

I hope you all don’t mind if I remain a penguin for a little bit longer. I’m rather enjoying the kippered herring. (12/6/10)

“You’re always cute to me, even on your ugliest day.” Me, doing a bang-up job of sweet-talking my wife. (12/6/10)

Whenever I meet a vegetarian, I think “Good. That means more meat for me.” (12/5/10)

In the effort to open that jar of pepper relish, the “rubber husband” proved much more useful than the real one. (12/4/10)

I think we all know how Sting spends his three day weekends. (12/4/10)

My turn to feed the kids tonight. Cheerios make a good dinner. (12/3/10)

A fact, little reported in today’s news: the censure of Rep. Charles Rangel (D- NY) also includes noogies, pantsing and an exploding Cuban cigar. Check your C-Span viewing guide for local dates and times. (12/3/10)

No offense to John Cougar Mellencamp, but who among us has ever “dribbled off” their Bobbie Brooks? (12/2/10)

No matter that the noise is deafening, like jet engines and car alarms and construction sites all rolled into one, I always manage to fall asleep in the MRI. (12/2/10)

My kids find the movie title “Little Fokkers” very funny. In related news, mayhaps I swear too much around the house. (12/1/10)

Nothing worse than a zombie with morning breath. (12/1/10)

Presumably these Victoria Secret specials are timed to provide gift ideas for Christmas. I hope for your sake your husband’s not watching. (11/30/10)

I can totally relate to Hillary Clinton’s frustration over the latest WikiLeaks debacle. I wouldn’t want you guys knowing what I say about you offline either. (11/29/10)

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I would make a shitty commercial fisherman. (11/27/10)

That turducken was definitely better the turthird time around. (11/27/10)

Brazil nuts are just ridiculous. (11/25/10)

Portly squirrels should not venture too far from their trees. (11/25/10)

On this Thanksgiving Eve, as we eagerly await the arrival of the Great Shellacked Gourd with his gifts and assorted shellacked sweets, the Tabb Family seeks your assistance in settling a dispute: in a battle of Zombies vs. Vampires, who would prevail? Disgust amongst yourselves. (11/24/10)

“I’m not buying you sharp tools for Christmas. You get stitches opening a can a soup.” – My wife. It’s funny because it’s true. (11/23/10)

Some nights I can understand why Elvis shot his TV. (11/22/10)

The beatings will continue until morale improves. (11/22/10)

My fall clean-up strategy was to wait for all my leaves to blow into the neighbors’ yards. Unfortunately my neighbors had the same strategy, and executed theirs more effectively. (11/21/10)

If you elect me president, I promise to make candy corns a year-round thing. (11/21/10)

RIP bowl of chili I just inhaled using tortilla chips as proxy for traditional spoon-like utensil. (11/19/10)

Just gave myself an unintentional beer neti pot. (11/18/10)

Another year, another snub by the panel who selects People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I tried to mount a write-in campaign, but apparently everybody misspelled my name as “Ryan Reynolds.” (11/18/10)

The future Queen of England is a hottie. (11/17/10)

I have it from a very credible source that Sarah Palin intends to make “Don’t Touch My Junk” guy her running mate in the 2012 presidential election. (11/17/10)

Just when I get to thinking I’ve really underestimated my dog’s intelligence, he goes and barfs on the sofa. (11/16/10)

The next time I update my profile picture, I’ll be showing off my TSA full-body scan. (11/15/10)

“Dad, some men have anger management issues. You have eyebrow management issues.” – My daughter, with the 3-point slam. (11/14/10)

To the cloud!! (11/14/10)

I’m all garlicked up after dinner at Norm’s. Apologies in advance to anyone within the vicinity of my brea-heh-heh-th.* (*purposefully breathes in the general direction of everyone in room) (11/12/10)

Home alone today with a surprisingly generous amount of Halloween candy that my kids’ have yet to eat. If someone’s thinking of staging an intervention, now would be a good time to do so. (11/12/10)

“If we have to have a government, make it as small as possible. Dwarves! Tiny buildings! Pizza bagels for lunch!” (11/11/10)

Assuming the mien of beleaguered dad as Lucy tells bad “Knock Knock” jokes and Salvador Dali Jr. runs around in his tightie-whities, cackling like a Surrealist maniac. (11/11/10)

Isaac drew a spindly handlebar mustache on his face with magic marker. He shall now be referred to as Salvador Dali Jr. (11/11/10)

Dick Van Dyke falls asleep on surf board, says he was rescued by porpoises. In a separate but not unrelated story, Dick Van Dyke suspected of using meth. (11/11/10)

Add Trader Joe’s Potstickers to the list of things no home should ever be without. (11/10/10)

No one ever got fat eating pomegranate seeds, is all I’m saying. (11/10/10)

I’ve got something of a rogue eyebrow situation going on here this morning. (11/10/10)

The ease of the gimlet is the beauty of the gimlet. (11/8/10)

I’m sure glad they canceled school today. Otherwise, the kids’ hair might have gotten a little wind-tousled. (11/8/10)

Screw the wheel. Polar fleece is man’s greatest invention. (11/8/10)

I’ve decided to stay on Daylight Savings Time this year. On the plus side, I’ll be an hour early for everything. (11/7/10)

When breaking one of wife’s favorite glasses while cleaning kitchen, it is wisest to sweep up the shards quickly, hide them as best as possible in the garbage can, and unfriend her so that she doesn’t see your status update. (11/6/10)

Went to see that movie Waiting For Superman. I waited for Superman the WHOLE TIME. He never came. Just a bunch of teachers. (11/5/10)

I blame Ralph Nader. (11/3/10)

Nothing makes me sick and tired of politics quite like politics (11/01/10)

“You look like a troll. But not in an unattractive way.” – Halloween Party Come-ons. (10/30/10)

If I had one wish, and I had to use at this exact moment, I would wish my arms were about two inches longer so I could reach that itchy spot in the middle of my back. (10/30/10)

“Dad! Look! I can make my room look clean without actually putting anything away!” – Isaac, quite proudly shoving a dumptruck’s worth of Webkinz, Lego and Playmobil under his bed. (10/30/10)

Must be election season. Everybody’s talking smack. (10/29/10)

Well, the results of my self-directed experiment are in, and it’s just as I suspected: eating Halloween candy for two straight weeks makes me fat. (10/28/10)

For being such a small city, Portland has an unreasonably large population of stumbling drunks. (10/28/10)

Notes to self, #10,876: Don’t be caught dead in a concert t-shirt. (10/28/10)

My kids, who were formerly such dependable sources for quality status updates, have not been bringing it lately. Consequently, I will not be raising their allowances this year. (10/25/10)

Don’t believe the science. Days are not as long as they used to be. (10/24/10)

If I ever catch the person who’s letting their dog poop in my yard without cleaning up, I can’t be held responsible for my actions. (10/23/10)

I would make a lousy Man of the People. (10/19/10)

The thought plickens. (10/18/10)

I’ve eaten about 500 Tootsie Rolls in the past 24 hours. Need a Tootsierean section to deliver the 10 lb. Tootsie baby lodged inside my belly. (10/17/10)

Being an adult is great for a lot of reasons, not least among them the fact that I can eat this whole bag of candy corns for breakfast. (10/17/10)

What are all you people doing on Facebook right now? Doesn’t anybody WORK around here?! (10/15/10)

I once bought beer for a miner. Let’s just say it did not end as well as this whole Chile thing. (10/13/10)

The tripping up the staircase can be an amazingly graceful move if executed correctly. (10/13/10)

Just got the HDMI cable working on my TV. Now I’m concerned that the real world looks a little fuzzy. (10/12/10)

Well, it’s official. Brett Favre has overstayed the overstay of the overstay of his welcome. (10/12/10)

The worst thing about being a dog has got to be the lack of thumbs. (10/11/10)

The temperature differential between indoors and outdoors is 17 degrees this AM. Indoors being the colder of the two. (10/11/10)

Hipsters annoy the hell out of me right now. (10/10/10)

I’ll say this – it’s generally good practice not to scream at strangers over contested spaces in busy parking lots. (10/9/10)

My new retirement plan involves Cash Cab. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to catch a taxi. (10/8/10)

Taking my final licensing exam to become a fake estate agent. (10/7/10)

…has all kinds of theories. Never mind about what. (10/6/10)

Isaac: “Dad, 42 isn’t old. You’re not classified as old until you’re 55.” You hear that, old people? 55!! I’ve got 13 years before I’m old. The little sage has spoken. (10/5/10)

A few seconds ago I tried one of those honest, heartfelt status updates. And let’s just say its NOT for me. Back to our regular programming. (10/5/10)

The Tea Party, last bastion for masturbation-haters and anger management flunkies. (10/4/10)

Kids are taking the NECAPs today. Tomorrow, the shins. Wednesday, the ankles. (10/4/10)

The cold side of the pillow was downright arctic this morning. (10/3/10)

There is something intensely satisfying about stacking wood, but I don’t know what the hell that is. (10/2/10)

…is all id. (10/2/10)

Nice weather in Maine today, if you enjoy being smothered by wet blankets. (10/1/10)

OK, so somehow my tongue touched the mouthpiece of my work phone today, and now I’m afraid I’ve contracted the ebola. (09/30/10)

Really should have read the instructions on this Starbucks VIA instant coffee. I administered it intranasally before I realized you’re supposed to add water. (09/30/10)

Buh-bye Red Sox. “Mathematical” elimination sounds bad, but it beats the alternative types of elimination: alimentary and/or execution-style. (09/29/10)

I hate it when the nurse looks at me like I’m all crazy when I tell her I slipped through a warp in the space-time continuum. #theevent (09/27/10)

Me and the boy are re-enacting 1st scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark , rolling exercise ball down basement stairs while he runs like hell. (09/25/10)

Other people’s nightmares involve intense fear and traumatic events. My wife’s involve questionable decisions in real estate. (09/25/10)

The day when me and the wife start wearing matching velour tracksuits is fast approaching. (09/24/10)

The person who invented the margarita deserves a medal. Or a monument. (09/23/10)

In today’s other news, the Senate also declined to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for fans of Glee. (09/21/10)

Teasing is loving, and I love everybody. (09/19/10)

I would totally play a bagpipe, but I don’t have the legs for a kilt. (09/16/10)

Public Relations Lesson #218: If you want to get your boyfriend back from Iran, say nice things about that whack job Ahmadinejad. (09/16/10)

I’m sorry Mr. Bieber but when you’re being dissed by 8 year olds, it doesn’t bode well for your prospects of career longevity. (09/15/10)

Not to give away my best ideas, but I’m pretty confident a new product called “Crispy Chicken Skin” could be the next Cheez Doodle. (09/13/10)

According to Lucy, come winter the average squirrel forgets where he put half of his nuts. This is a problem I am familiar with. (09/12/10)

If there was a bar with kangaroo kickboxing, that would be the most popular bar in town. (09/11/10)

So ends the longest short week in the history of weeks. (09/10/10)

Busy day today. Packing up my summer whites. (09/06/10)

Isaac’s smack dab in the middle of those great informative years, where everyday you learn something new. Todays lesson: You don’t have to take your pants off to wash your feet. (09/05/10)

To quickly get through this book I have to read for work, I’m only reading every other word. So far it’s pretty good, though I’ve noticed there aren’t many verbs. (09/05/10)

I’m about as romantic as a Craigslist ad. (09/03/10)

‎”Can you talk a little faster? Because I’m not sure I’m missing every word.” – Me to Lucy, who talks really frigging fast. (09/03/10)

You may have heard this already but today’s date is 90210. In related news, Dylan and Kelly ran into Brenda and Rick outside of this restaurant, and Brenda was all like “Kelly, you’re a bimbo,” then the Bump-its started flying. It was scandalous. (09/02/10)

I got a gallon of water collecting dust in the basement in case Hurricane Earl comes to Maine. Emergency preparedness? Affirmative. (09/02/10)

Grape Nuts are the time-release capsules of breakfast cereal. One bowl in the morning will keep you busy chewing all day. (09/01/10)

We regret to inform you that, due to the extreme heat and an adverse, nuclear fission-like reaction to the sweltering computer on his lap, Sean Tabb has spontaneously combusted. (08/31/10)

DQ Blizzard, vanilla ice cream with Butterfingers, best dessert ever? Discuss. (08/31/10)

When lint becomes currency, those with the deepest belly buttons will rule the world. (08/29/10)

Camping is an excellent time to brush up on your pyromania. (08/29/10)

“Dad, in the future I’m going to invent a way to bring food into the water without it getting wet.” Prompted by Isaac’s unfulfilled desire to eat salted peanuts in the shower. (08/26/10)

Just came home from the dental hygeni-sadist. She caused me pain, and I paid her money. It’s a funny sort of love story. (08/25/10)

If you asked me right now, I would say my world is an endless procession of unsatisfying breakfast cereals. (08/24/10)

Note to self: if you’re pulling a hamstring while candlepin bowling, you’re probably doing something wrong. (08/21/10)

According to Isaac, having one’s briefs forcefully pulled up over one’s head is no longer a “Super Atomic Wedgie.” Now it’s called a “hoodie.” So fine, whatever, I’m giving him a hoodie. (08/20/10)

Ike: “Dad, what’s a hussy?” Me: “A dog. A hussy is, like, an Alaskan dog. They pull sleds.” (08/19/10)

‎3 things that flies love most: poo, the dead, and my new hair product. (08/19/10)

Lifting heavy things is against my religion. (08/19/10)

All those nice things I said about skunks? I take them back. Skunks smell like bloody hell. (08/18/10)

Wife has left me alone with homemade pizza in the oven. Things are about to get burnt. (08/18/10)

Given that I have a Bob Seger song stuck in my head, this is probably going to be a very tough day. (08/18/10)

The deadline for filing briefs is about three days after the laundry gets folded. (08/17/10)

When eating Jen’s delicious Turkey Chili, the recommended utensil is neither a fork OR a spoon. It’s a Tostito’s Hint of Lime tortilla chip. Or, more specifically, a whole bag of ’em. (08/16/10)

Sean Tabb, aka guacamole hog and uncontested domino champion. Not necessarily in that order. (08/14/10)

I took my Subaru in for it’s annual carwash today, and was reminded of something: it’s actually blue. (08/14/10)

Just woke up with that “shit, it’s Sunday…wait! It’s Saturday! Yay!” feeling. (08/14/10)

Hey. Whoa. I think we need to slow down on this whole “thinking outside the box” thing. (08/13/10)

Resurrecting my 35 year old business plan to sell quahog shells as ashtrays. If you know any wealthy venture capitalists, feel free to give them my number. (08/12/10)

Poor dog. Why do they call it an Elizabethan collar? Did Shakespeare, Marlowe and others of the period also chew themselves raw from fleas? (08/11/10)

Some weeks fly and some weeks crawl. And some weeks wander into your camp at night, knock down your tent and chew off your leg. (08/11/10)

Slow and steady wins the race. Unless it’s, like, a REAL race. (08/10/10)

It’s getting to that point in the summer when people whose lawns are still green really ought to reassess their priorities. (08/09/10)

We’re all put here for a reason. I’m not 100% sure what my reason is yet, but I damn well know what it isn’t: home improvement projects. (08/08/10)

Instead of “tennis elbow,” I’ve got a bad case of “bat broom arm.” (08/06/10)

Rufus’s breath, which normally smells like haddock, smells oddly like lobster tonight. Which is not entirely unpleasant. Oh hell, who am I kidding? It’s horrendous.

Break room creamers. The ones that can sit out in 90 degree weather for eternity and never spoil. There’s something not right about that. (08/05/10)

I was planning on going to the gym this morning, but maybe I’ll just get a broom and chase this bat around the house instead. (08/05/10)

It’s the kind of lazy Sunday where I lack even the motivation to change out of yesterday’s clothes. (08/01/10)

The greater the number of books I attempt to read at one time, the less likely I am to read anything at all. (07/31/10)

What he lacks in humor he makes up for with exclamation points. (07/30/10)

Some business meetings require flak jackets and football helmets. And gin-cucumber martinis. (07/29/10)

There’s nothing wrong with me that an hour’s worth of Wipeout can’t fix. (07/27/07)

No, I don’t need to learn how to communicate more clearly. You need to learn how to understand more better. (07/27/10)

You can’t trick a trickster. Except with that “pulling a quarter out of the ear” thing. I have no earthly idea how that’s done. (07/26/10)

I’ve reached the unenviable stage in life where it’s possible to throw one’s back out simply by blinking. (07/25/10)

We came home to evidence of another bat inside our house. To help find it’s hiding place I’m trying to *think* like a bat, but the best I can come up with is “mosquitoes.” (07/24/10)

Jen: “This is the first year on vacation that I don’t have ants in my pants to get home. I don’t want it to end! I have sadness in my pants.” (07/23/10)

Wireless Internet access is my Moby Dick. (07/23/10)

We got mail from Lucy at camp. Learned the following: her swimming is a bit rusty, she’s enrolled in yoga, photography and something called “Hunter & Hunted” (hope she wins that), she had a face-to-face encounter with an otter, her tooth hurts, and she’s surviving on a diet of breakfast sausage. We miss her. (07/15/10)

To most people I’m known as “Sean.” To the people who live across the street, I’m known as “the guy in boxers who walks around in front of open doors and windows on hot summer nights.” (07/14/10)

It’s one of my greatest regrets in life that, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get a tan on my shins. Otherwise, I’m good. (07/14/10)

The World Cup may be over, but the vuvuzela lives on in my head like a bad case of tinnitus. (07/11/10)

I’m not opposed to rewriting history if the original is poorly worded or mis-spelled. (07/10/10)

I assume it’s safe for real men to eat quiche now. (07/10/10)

Anti-social networking is the next big thing. (07/09/10)

For someone who doesn’t know very much, you sure are a know-it-all. (07/06/10)

These potato chips have been to the beach and back. They’re sand-seasoned. (07/05/10)

Isaac started Robotics Camp today. I put in my request for a robot that does dishes and mows lawns. (07/05/10)

If by “dog” you mean “ibuprofen,” then yes, a dog is a man’s best friend. (07/03/10)

I need some REAL ice cream. NOT the slow churned. I need me some FAST churned ice cream. (07/02/10)

Live the rock n’ roll lifestyle too long and you WILL end up looking like Patti Smith looking like Joey Ramone, is all I’m saying. You know who you are. (07/02/10)

Today someone said to me “you look like KaKa,” and I was all like “thanks a lot. You don’t look so great yourself,” and he was all like “No. Kaka is a soccer player for Brazil,” and I was all like “Oh.” (07/01/10)

‎I’ll Tumble 4 Ya. (07/01/10)

My thinking Solicitor General Elena Kagan is hot is no more strange than my wife’s inexplicable attraction to Senator Al Franken. Maybe we should all go out to dinner. (06/30/10)

It sounds like somebody just shot someone with a staple gun outside. I don’t know about this neighborhood I’m living in, what with all these thugs/Staples Rewards Program members. (06/29/10)

“When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.” (06/29/10)

There’s an air conditioner stowed away up in the attic. Shame it’s too damn hot and humid to drag my butt up there and get it. (06/28/10)

Found ten salamanders on our walk through Baxter Woods. For dinner tonight – Salamander Stew! (kidding. they taste much better as jerky. kidding again.) (06/27/10)

While my vuvuzela gently weeps. (06/26/10)

Some of you may know what I’m talking about when I say the Wipeout Big Balls are never not funny. The rest of you, please disregard this status update. (06/24/10)

Isaac is suddenly obsessed with learning the lyrics to Survivor’s Eye Of The Tiger. Which means he’s watching it, over and over, on Youtube. Which means I need, in ascending order of priority, ear plugs and another beer. (06/24/10)

My self-help book is coming along. An excerpt: Tip #1: Try harder. Tip #2: Not that hard. What does this look like, a contest? (06/24/10)

Damn. Rolling Stone article changes US military command in Middle East. Long live rock & roll. (06/23/10)

When grown women dress like Stevie Nicks, that’s not a good look. (06/22/10)

If I can figure out how to put the technology developed for self-cleaning ovens to use in a self-shaving face, I will be a very wealthy man. (06/22/10)

Family meetings are a lot like work meetings. Just replace “profitability” with “TV time,” “employee engagement” with “tooth brushing,” and “merit increases” with “equitable distribution of raisin toast.” (06/21/10)

That my wife just stabbed me with a paring knife was surely nothing more than an unfortunate accident. Or WAS it? (06/21/10)

I hope that a doctor moves into the house next door, because you know what that means: free health care! (06/21/10)

Vuvuzelas are so last Saturday. (06/20/10)

Dear God, please let Kobe twist an ankle. Amen. (06/17/10)

The fruit flies have apparently returned from Capistrano. (06/17/10)

It’s not easy being Laundry Czar. Musty smelling washers, missing sports bras, fiascos with stain stick. With great power comes great responsibility. (06/16/10)

If your ears burn when someone somewhere is talking about you, what part of your anatomy burns when someone somewhere is Googling you? Discuss. (06/15/10)

Children are, per capita, the biggest toilet paper wasters in the world. (06/14/10)

Facebook etiquette lesson #18: When commenting on a photo of someone’s child, it is best not to mention how much they resemble Harvey Keitel. (06/13/10)

“I’m bored. I’ve got nothing to do. When is school vacation over?” – Isaac, without a hint of irony, 10:15 AM today. (06/12/10)

Crazy end-of-school kid cook-out a success. Consumed lots of grilled meat. And beer. And somewhat surprisingly, no children were horribly scarred by fire. (06/11/10)

You can pretty much assume that everything I say is a paid endorsement. (06/10/10)

Jelly beans and beer: two great tastes that DON’T taste great together. (06/10/10)

Congratulations to Lucy on her 5th grade graduation! Next year: Middle School! (those tears we’re crying are 1 part joy, 1 part nostalgia, and 1 part “shit, I’m getting old.”) (06/10/10)

The Tabb family has a unique ability to thoroughly trash the house despite their hardly ever being in it. (06/09/10)

It’s time like these, when I need a coffee refill but don’t want to interrupt my writing, that I wish I was owner of a trained monkey. (06/09/10)

How many pieces of bacon is too many pieces of bacon? (please don’t say five) (06/08/10)

Hearing Isaac sing “Oh Susanna” a jillion-gazillion times makes Sean a dull boy. (06/07/10)

Monday again? Geez, that was quick. (06/07/10)

…is resolutely non-committal. (06/06/10)

To have another piece of pizza, or to not have another piece of pizza? That is the question. (06/03/10)

I’d like to try those sneakerless running toe glove things. (06/03/10)

While it would sadden me deeply, I would completely understand if my wife chooses to dump me for the newly single Al Gore. (06/01/10)

think I might be addicted to dining out for lunch. Is there a support group for that? One that meets in a local pub or restaurant, maybe? (05/31/10)

Some high livin’ and general waistline neglect going on down at The Lobster Shack, judging by the slick of grease covering the outdoor picnic tables. (05/30/10)

I have big plans to get through this entire long weekend without accomplishing anything substantive at all. (05/29/10)

In Sideways world Kimberly Drummond just patted Arnold Jackson’s head, and he was overwhelmed by *memories* of Edna Garrett. (05/28/10)

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You worked with my father. He said to say ‘hi’.” #kindermoviequotes (05/26/10)

“We always know when daddy’s cooked, don’t we kids?” Yes. Yes, we f’ing do. (05/25/10)

What’s the matter? You’ve never seen a grown man cry about the end of a television series? (05/23/10)

Sudden realization that my kids are outside, duplicating tricks they’ve seen on MythBusters. Perhaps I should supervise. (05/23/10)

Is it possible that mean kids think they’re nice kids, and that other kids are mean kids? If so, that casts a shadow of doubt over everything. (05/22/10)

I write Thank You notes to my mother so that she’ll continue to believe I’m writing Thank You notes to everybody else. (05/22/10)

How not to impress the ladies: New York garlic bagel breath. (05/20/10)

Do I care who wins American Idol? No, I don’t. Not one bit. Lost, however…I’m really hoping Jack wins Lost. (05/19/10)

“I promise you this weekend will be filled with a lot of staring out of windows, holding a glass of scotch.”  (05/14/10)

Dreamt this last night: “Make big footprints in small gardens, and the farmer will chase you with his gun. Make small footprints in big gardens, and you’re just like any other toad.” Paging Dr. Freud – interpret, please. (05/14/10)

Why must galoots always be big? How must the small galoots feel? Inadequate, that’s how. (05/13/10)

Me: “Mmmm. This rice is coconutty.” Lucy: “Hence the name ‘coconut rice'”. Hence. I love that choice of word. (05/10/10)

On the bright side, Mondays account for just 14.29% of your life. (05/10/10)

Six words you’d rather not hear from your IT guy: “Whoa. I’ve never seen THAT before.” (05/05/10)

Isaac refers to his birth certificate as “my report card from the day I was born.” (05/04/10)

Don’t get me wrong, I love that whole *crack o’ dawn, birds chirping outside my window* thing, but do you ever have that one bird who’s so loud you just want to shoot him? (05/04/10)

“Your mutha’ was a mudder, your father was a mudder. What does that make you? A mudder! Now go out there and win this race. And try not to get too dirty.” (05/01/10)

I think I speak for all mankind when I ask “what the hell happened to Mickey Rourke?” (04/30/10)

Nothing turns me off quite like talk of neti pots. (04/29/10)

Lucy completed her Red Cross babysitting course tonight. I’m thrilled to have someone in the house who knows CPR, in the unlikely event that I choke on a ham sandwich. (04/28/10)

Time for milk and cookies. Ha! Did I say milk? I meant beer. (04/27/10)

That last potato chip went down the gullet sideways. Ack. (04/27/10)

What I lack in expertise, I make up for with ill-informed opinions. (04/26/10)

Why do they call them fundamentalists when they don’t have any fun at all? They should call them judgementandcondemnationalists. (04/25/10)

Saying “here’s what I think” is a whole lot different than saying “here’s what I think of you.” (04/23/10)

How many DPW guys does it take to fill a pothole in the street outside our house? Seven. Meanwhile, the local elementary school lacks a nurse, a librarian, and the money to educate our kids. So, yes, we have a problem. (04/22/10)

For proof of how badly Brendan Fraser has squandered his once promising career, look no further than Furry Vengeance. (04/22/10)

“It’s not your fault, honey. ‘Mother’ is part of the word. You don’t ever hear of anyone being ‘sfathered’ to death.” (04/21/10)

Neighbor’s yard is lush and green while mine remains patchy and brown. I suspect there may be some covert, late night pesticide application going on. (04/19/10)

Facebook is offending my sense of good typesetting. (04/18/10)

…has a bad case of Milk Dud Jaw. (04/18/10)

Lucy, Isaac and I, watching Celebrity Jeopardy. Me: “That Jeopardy question seemed REALLY easy.” Lucy: “They’re celebrities, dad. They’re not too smart.” (04/15/10)

Those who can cleanly tear the Saran Wrap know the true path to enlightenment. The rest of us are destined to a lifetime of struggle with clingy, balled up cellophane. (04/14/10)

Tonight, close friends confirmed that my karaoke version of Elvis Costello’s Alison is atrocious. I feel like I’ve been living a lie. (04/10/10)

Things I learned from Lucy whilst eating dinner: black, rotten teeth were a sign of aristocracy in Merry Olde England, ye olde queen used dog pee for mouthwash, and figgy pudding is actually cake. I’m a whole lot smarter, and kind of grossed out. (04/09/10)

My eight year old son genuinely thought the word for nipples was “pimples.” I’ve obviously dropped the parenting ball. (04/08/10)

Thunder + Lightning x Buffalo Chicken Pizza = Tough Night’s Sleep (04/07/10)

First Rule of Dog Fight Club: Stay away from the vacuum cleaner. It knows no fear, and will utterly kick your ass. (04/03/10)

Brow Manchu – what you got when your eyebrows have grown so wild and long they’ve connected with your sideburns. Mine are almost there. (04/02/10)

Shoot. I had bacon for breakfast. Already blown my Good Friday bracket. (04/02/10)

You know how I know its spring? Itchy eyeballs. (04/02/10)

People who type for Closed Captioning are very bad spellers indeed. (03/29/10)

In the pantheon of awesomeness, tax refunds rank pretty high. (03/26/10)

I’m no stranger to the art of japery. (03/25/10)

I’ve been instructed to put this sort-of burnt rice in a leftover container. Otherwise, there’ll be nothing to pull out of the fridge and throw in the trash next week. (03/22/10)

I may not be very pretty now, but I was somebody’s baby once. (03/22/10)

…has a serious case of the crabs. No. Wait. I mean I’m just really crabby. Jesus, that didn’t come out right. (03/21/10)

What was Jesse James thinking? Here’s what: “hmmm, beautiful Oscar-winning wife Sandra Bullock, or Jim Rose Circus refugee Scary Tattoo-faced Chachabingo? No contest.” (03/19/10)

Ah, rosy tipped fingers of dawn. Sitting here bleary-eyed, body sore, hacking up a lung while I await the coffee maker to complete it’s wheezing ministrations. (03/19/10)

The corned beef didn’t finish cooking in time, so we had the next closest thing to a traditional Irish meal that we could think of: Pepper O’nipizza.

Despite my having an Irish name (Sean Patrick), I don’t have a drop of Irish blood in me. It was all a great big misunderstanding. (03/17/10)

I just figured out what that ABC program Flash Forward is about: a really bad case of Daylight Savings Time. (03/15/10)

If you haven’t picked up your Girl Scout Cookies yet, save yourself the trip. I’ve eaten them. (03/14/10)

At some point today my “bed head” became “all day head.” (03/13/10)

Doing a little spring cleaning. The things I found beneath the couch cushions are going to make it difficult to fall asleep tonight. (03/13/10)

I’m gonna’ live a while longer. I mean, no one’s making any promises or anything, but that’s what the cardiologist implied when he said he’d mail me the bill. (03/12/10)

I think I’m suffering a form of Stockholm Syndrome, only my captors are Peanut Butter Patties. (03/10/10)

I am going to keep talking about Girl Scout Cookies until you’re so sick of hearing about Girl Scout Cookies that you consider unfriending me. You want to know why? Because Girl Scout Cookies are deeeelicious. Also, they have taken over my life. (03/10/10)

‎”Excuse me, sir. Would you like to buy some TASTY Girl Scout Cookies? If you act now, you’ll also receive this BROKEN BALLPOINT PEN!” – Lucy, perfecting her sales pitch. (03/10/10)

Thin Mints and beer. Two great tastes that DON”T taste great together. (03/09/10)

In today’s post-Oscar news, Quentin Tarantino planning a remake of Breakfast Club. With original cast. And machetes! (03/08/10)

Isaac: “Dad, are the Oscars only on once a year?” Me: “Yes.” Isaac: “So we’ll have to wait till next year to see if Diary Of A Wimpy Kid wins, right?” Me: “Yes.” (03/08/10)

This is the part of the Oscars where I do the dishes. (03/07/10)

Kind words of advice: when singing Karaoke, do not attempt to mimic Bono. Just don’t. (03/07/10)

Girl Scout cookies make a delicious breakfast appetizer. (03/07/10)

Rosemont Market Guy: “I suggest this wine. It has a kind of “old world” Italian flavor.” Me: “What does that mean?” Rosemont Market Guy: “It sort of tastes like barnyards. You know, dirt. And cows.” Me: “Hmmm. Interesting. Any other suggestions?” (03/06/10)

Nine hours, three canceled flights, 2 planes, one lousy turkey club wrap. Hello, Kansas City. (03/04/10)

You can call me Frisco Jones. (03/02/10)

I don’t want to brag or anything, but NO ONE makes Kraft Macaroni & Cheese as good as me. (02/28/10)

Lucy and I skipped the father/daughter Girl Scout dance and went for a sushi date instead.

Glued to CNN, watching tsunami porn. (02/27/10)

By the way, I looked up the definition of “pithy”: of, like, or abounding in pith. Which definitely sounds like me. Especially if you have a speech impediment. (02/27/10)

Last night I dreamt I was on Facebook. My dream status update: “Puppies are ugly.” Proof perhaps that the dream world is not nearly as pithy or droll as the real one. (02/27/10)

“Hello ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me.” (02/25/10)

Historically, whenever we arrive home from a long vacation Rufus will greet us with a celebratory indoor pee. Long story short, my shoes are now wet. (02/23/10)

Heading out to pick up beer, some motion sickness drugs, and Bubble Yum. That’s my kind of shopping trip. (02/22/10)

Checking Isaac into root beer rehab starting tomorrow. (02/22/10)

In case of fire, scream your head off and run around in circles. (02/20/10)

If I were a ski jumper, I’m pretty sure each one of my jumps would end in my gruesome death. (02/19/10)

Lucy loved the roller coasters. Isaac was endlessly amused by the animals’ bodily functions. I most enjoyed witnessing John Davidson in his natural habitat: Cheez Whiz. (02/18/10)

We’re all very excited – John Davidson is giving a special, free performance tomorrow at Busch Gardens. No word yet whether Cathy Lee Crosby and Fran Tarkenton will also be making an appearance. That would be incredible. (02/17/10)

Isaac: “Dad, I’m really good at snowboarding. I was first place when I played it on the Nintendo DS.” *sigh* (02/17/10)

Tell me the truth…does this Tuesday make me look fat? (02/16/10)

When the Olympics are on, we all become experts about things we would normally know or care nothing about. Like Bob Costas’s toupee, for instance – made from the pelt of a silky mink. (02/16/10)

Lucy: “Watching downhill racing is really boring. It’s like watching paint dry.” Really, really fast, treacherous paint. (02/15/10)

She who hesitates gets the smaller cupcake. (02/13/10)

Pushing the 4 day old, leftover meatloaf pretty hard as a lunch option. Surprisingly, no takers. (02/13/10)

Things I have in common with Olympic athletes: Shaun White and I have the same first name. Kind of. They’re spelled a little differently, but they’re pronounced the same. That’s about it. (02/12/10)

Wife is off to a Mardi Gras party. I can only hope she doesn’t return home with a suspiciously large number of beads. (02/11/10)

Isaac, practicing his Hogwarts spells, just pointed his wand at me and shouted “Expelyouranus!” Or that’s what it sounded like, anyway. I’m a little nervous about what might happen next. (02/10/10)

“Mom, Rufus just coughed up one of those things that’s hairy and wet!” For the record, it’s a Valentine Heart. That says “Tweet Me.” (02/09/10)

One of the judges on tonight’s Food Network Challenge is billed as “the exclusive fashion designer for Delta Airlines.” He wears the drunk, sad look of a man who’s career aspirations have gone largely and tragically unfulfilled. (02/08/10)

Kind of hard to write when small people are constantly coming into your study to ask you questions and dance for you. (02/07/10)

“I like my ringtone. And besides, my phone only rings once a week, when your mother calls me and tells me to pick up cream on the way home.” – Me, to Lucy, who wonders why I don’t have a cooler ringtone. (02/06/10)

If you could see the mountain of laundry I need to do today, you would forgive me if I seem a little weepy. Just call me Sissyphus. (02/06/10)

…can easily come to concrete conclusions without any substantive facts. (02/06/10)

Tough shave this morning. I look like I was attacked by a guy with a razor. (02/05/10)

Urbandictionary.com says “Sean knows exactly how to piss you off and then five seconds later have you cracking up.” Word.  Oh, I’m also “a sexy bugger.” Apparently. So I looked up “bugger” on Urbandictionary.com and, well, I think they might have me confused with some other guy named Sean. (02/04/10)

Alright, I’m officially calling an end to Doppelganger month-and-a half. Unflattering Webcam Self-portrait Week starts now. (02/02/10)

In an alternate timeline, Sean Tabb just started watching Lost tonight, for the very first time. Oddly, he’s no more confused than I am. (02/02/10)

“We are bigger people than you. We get more cake.” – Me, to children, explaining why I get more cake. (02/01/10)

Is Doppelganger Week over yet? Because David Soul is kind of tired of being told he looks like Sean Tabb. (01/30/10)

“Dad, you’re older than Pong, the first-ever video game. That’s sad!” – Lucy (01/30/10)

Sure wish I hadn’t left my gym sneaks in the back of the car. Might be warmer if I just strap some ice cubes to my feet. (01/30/10)

Nothing better on an icy cold morning than a good hot shower. Like, scalding hot. The kind of hot that makes lobsters scream. (01/29/10)

I’ve got good odds that Jon Lovitz is going next. (01/28/10)

RIP Howard Zinn. (01/27/10)

I can never find a pair of scissors in this house. Or a sharp pencil. Or a huge wad of hundred dollar bills. (01/26/10)

…is being maligned and malingered. (01/23/10)

Hominy is such a lonely word. (01/22/10)

I sure hope no one buys me Bumpits for my birthday. (01/21/10)

I managed to not lose any friends today, so that’s something. (01/20/10)

I want to change my name to T-Bone. (01/17/10)

3 out of 4 people think my car smells like feta cheese. So, whatever. (01/16/10)

Eating gummi worms, drinking beer, farting around on the internets. That’s what Friday night means to me. (01/15/10)

I’m sorry, but this “Pants on the Ground” guy is no William Hung. (01/15/10)

Status update, American Idol edition: Posh Spice = Neytiri + Edith Bouvier Beale x the full contents of Paula’s medicine cabinet, squared. (01/13/10)

Jen: “I gotta tell you – you are so good at so many things, but…” Me: “But what? What am I bad at?” Jen: “Dishwasher loading.” (01/12/10)

Should I be concerned if my dog’s breath smells like cat food? Should I stage an intervention? (01/08/10)

It’s kind of hard to get excited about the People’s Choice Awards. ‘Cause the People are stupid. (01/06/10)

Policy amendment: the 5-second rule does NOT apply to wet brussels sprouts. Might as well rename them “dog hair magnets.” (01/05/10)

Announcing my candidacy for Maine State Governor later today. My platform – Free Wi-Fi, Less Winter, and Permission to Photoshop your driver’s license picture. Thank you for your vote. (01/05/10)

The weather forecast says we can expect somewhere between 3 and 500 inches of snow this weekend. Plan accordingly. (01/02/10)

The weather forecast says we can expect somewhere between 3 and 500 inches of snow this weekend. Plan accordingly. (1/2/10)

Laundry is my hamster wheel. (12/31/09)

For what is a biscotti, after all, but a really stale cookie? (12/28/09)

There is no such thing as time on staycation – there is only sleep o’clock, read o’clock, game o’clock and cocktail hour. (12/27/09)

Kind of glad to have that Christmas thing behind me. Let the 9 days of sitting around doing nothing commence. (12/26/09)

Drunken elves. That is all. (12/23/09)

I’m off the grid. Not counting Facebook. Or Twitter. Or the Blog. I’m practically shrouded in secrecy. (12/22/09)

I’ll tell you what *isn’t* weird – my man crush on George Clooney, that’s what. (12/20/09)

I am not a vest man. Or am I? Such an identity crisis. (12/17/09)

Joe Lieberman is a tool. (12/15/09)

Mean kids suck. (12/14/09)

There are 260 million web sites out there, but a Google Search for “hirsute furkini” will only bring back one result! And my father said I’d never amount to anything. Try it for yourself and see. (totally safe for kids, work, and mother-in-laws) (12/13/09)

There are teeth marks in the block of cheddar cheese I just took out of the fridge. Human teeth marks. (12/10/09)

Just did an unintentional triple salchow in the icy work parking lot. And nailed it. (12/10/09)

If I had a hammer, I’d hammer down that nail in the hallway that keeps tearing holes in my socks. (12/8/09)

“Dad, my voice sounds just like Linus, I suck my thumb like Linus, I have a blue blanket like Linus and my sister Lucy likes to yell at me, just like Linus.” – Isaac, having a sort of epiphany. (12/6/09)

Amanda Knox. How can someone so hot be so guilty? (12/4/09)

“I realized today that I’ve already spent $70 on gifts for Christmas. I really have to tighten my belt.” – Lucy, age 11 going on mid-life crisis (12/2/09)

If recent searches finding my blog are any indication, people eat a whole lot of Underwood Deviled Ham in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The rest of the year? Not so much. (11/30/09)

Just caught Ike sneaking the last remnants of Halloween candy in his bedroom. He had so many Tootsie Rolls stuffed in his cheeks, he looked like Dizzy Gillespie. (11/25/09)

Luke Wilson has been doing some eating, huh? (11/24/09)

My son came home with a star-shaped button that says “Texas Pride” on it. In the real state of Texas, they would probably have him turned into a belt and a pair of pointy boots. (11/24/09)

The spoon situation in this house continues to deteriorate. (11/23/09)

Emancipating myself from mental slavery. Right after I finish this bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. (11/21/09)

The world is enduring a dire shortage of Eggos. Something to do with floods and brokedown waffle machines. It’s not easy, lettin’ go. (11/19/09)

“I hid under your porch because I love you. And because I’m a racoon.” (11/18/09)

You know what’s wicked weird? When Jen asks me to grab the feta cheese from the fridge, and after looking and looking I’m all like “I don’t see any feta cheese in the fridge,” and then she magically pulls the feta cheese from the fridge. That’s wicked weird. (11/15/09)

Me: “Isaac, please put away your markers.” Isaac: “Dad, you should run for president.” Me: “Why?” Isaac: “Because you would do a good job of bossing around the whole country.” (11/15/09)

I shall never understand the pomegranate. So much effort, so little sustenance. (11/13/09)

I have it on excellent authority that my wife’s favorite vampire, Robert Pattinson, smells like dirty feet. (11/11/09)

RIP plant in my office that I sorta’ forgot to water. (11/9/09)

Mmmmm. Cookies and beer. (11/9/09)

Ike’s got a new name for our band: The Dudes of Love. (11/8/09)

Hammer my bones on the anvil of daylight. (11/6/09)

I’ve been keeping this mini-Baby Ruth in my coat pocket for just such an occasion. (11/5/09)

Banana you glad I didn’t say orange? (11/4/09)

Sean is going to quit trying to give the impression that he knows what the hell he’s talking about. (11/4/09)

Jen, to kids: “Very sad news. The “Yes on 1″ vote won last night.” Isaac (trying to get this whole thing straight): “So that means I *have* to marry a girl, now?” (11/4/09)

Isaac asked “what’s the most Christmas-iest pet?”, but I thought he said “crispiest pet.” My answer: “Deep Fried Chihuahua.” (11/3/09)

I wish that Glenn Beck would get eaten by coyotes. (11/2/09)

My pockets are filled with candy wrappers. (11/1/09)

“…Now go, and don’t come home until that pillow case is FULL!” (10/31/09)

You know I met JJ Abrams once, and I don’t know what this means, but he said the island is just Hurley’s dream. (10/30/09)

I’ll have the carp po’boy with extra chuckle. (10/30/09)

Hoping for a nice, gusty breeze to come along and blow all those fallen leaves into the next door neighbor’s lawn. (10/29/09)

The true measure of a man can be found in the strap of leather he uses to hold up his pants. (10/28/09)

♪♫ And she’s buying the hairway to steven…….♪♫ (10/27/09)

“I was doing pretty well as goalie, until the other team got the ball.” (10/26/09)

I’ve got to side with Kevin. Hillary Swank is so not hot. (10/25/09)

Confusing CDC Recommendations Cause Serious Injury; Sick Man Attempts Cough into Outer Elbow. (10/24/09)

I feel like that guy from Memento. What’s my name again? (10/23/09)

You can’t take it with you. Unless you have a travel mug. (10/23/09)

Isaac’s hot dogs just dropped on the floor. Invoking 5 second rule. Nobody say anything or he’ll freak OUT. (10/22/09)

…is having a bowl of maple walnut ice cream with maple syrup. Which is kind of a sneak preview of what it’ll feel like being 64 years old. (10/21/09)

Life is full of lessons learned the hard way. Like when you’re playing beer pong with Milla Jovovich, and you lose the game without hitting a cup, you have to run around the house naked. And the worst part is, Milla *never* loses. (10/21/09)

Inexplicable hole in toothpaste tube leaves Crest-y mess all over bathroom sink. Plucky and resourceful wife Macgyver’s it with duct tape. Saves the day! (10/21/09)

Its not always easy to say what you mean. Unless what you mean is ‘duh’. In which case, the drool on your chin says it all. (10/20/09)

You can do a lot of creative things with facial hair, but the eyebrows are probably best left alone. (10/19/09)

I don’t want to be a spoiler or anything, but I think I know how this Amelia Earhart movie ends. (10/18/09)

“I’m out. I’m out of the contest.” Yes, we turned the heat on. We may be losers, but we are warm in our defeat. (10/18/09)

I would bring sexxy back, but I can’t find the receipt. (10/18/09)

Today was one of those deodorant FAIL days. Like, colossally. (10/15/09)

When I snore, my wife practices a sort of horizontal karate on me (knee, elbow snap to rib, roundhouse kick to kidney, Hi-yah!). I must have been snoring ALOT last night. Anyone seen the ibuprofen? (10/15/09)

Lucy sneezed while brushing her teeth, spraying water and toothpaste all over my face. Parenthood is…unhygienic. (10/14/09)

Rarely, you find a $5 bottle of wine that tastes passably delicious. This is not one of those times. (10/14/09)

Isaac: “Mom! Guess what I’m watching! The extended version of “Squirrels in My Pants.” It’s, like, DOUBLE the squirrels in my pants!” (10/13/09)

Frost on the pumpkin? Child’s play! There was frost on my pillow this morning. (10/13/09)

I’m madly in love with my slanket wearing wife. (10/12/09)

So if I understand these recruitment ads correctly, being in the armed services is just ridiculously awesome, kinda’ like playing a video game. (10/11/09)

Is less fun than a barrel of monkeys, until I have a cocktail in me. Then I’m more fun than a barrel of monkeys, unless they too are drinking cocktails. It’s a little like an arms war, really, the way it escalates. (10/11/09)

If you don’t keep your eye on the belly, the belly will get away from you. Quickly. (10/11/09)

Probably better not to say what’s on your mind. It’ll usually get you in trouble. (10/10/09)

It is with great regret that I report having stumbled upon the Halloween candy stash. On my fifteenth mini 3 Musketeers bar as I write this. Please send help. (10/10/09)

Those miscreants at NASA are at it again, crashing rocket ships into the moon just for fun. Next thing you know, they’ll be blowing E.T.s up with firecrackers and pantsing John Glenn. (10/09/09)

NPR reports that the Taliban is unhappy at Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize win. In other breaking news, the sky is blue and bears poop in the woods. (10/09/09)

In space, no one can hear you scream. That’s because the speed of sound is a paltry 340.29 m / s, and space is wicked big. #accuratetaglines (10/07/09)

…is only three quarters stupid. The other half is sharp as a bowling ball. (10/07/09)

Just found Isaac conducting a search on Bing (!): “very long ago dinosaur song”. Doesn’t know how to tie his shoes, but web research? No biggie. (10/06/09)

As is our tradition, I’m trying to come up with a special cocktail for Jen’s upcoming 40th birthday. If no one has a better suggestion, I’m thinking I’ll just mix 40 different liquors and call it a night. (10/05/09)

Lucy’s words of wisdom: “If it’s wiggling, you probably shouldn’t eat it. That includes Jello.” (10/04/09)

Goodnight you radio DJs who laugh too much at jokes that are not funny. (10/03/09)

Goodnight you self-taught glockenspielers. (10/02/09)

I will not turn on the heat, I will not turn on the heat, I will not turn on the heat…(10/02/09)

If I quit my day job, and someone is willing to pay me for sleep, I think I can make this writing gig work out. (10/02/09)

…has chocolate fingerprint stains in his exercise journal. That really says it all. (10/01/09)

Sat at the side of my bed for about ten minutes this morning, taking inventory, just to make sure all parts were still in working order. Check…kind of. (10/01/09)

Goodnight you bleary-eyed, late night news anchors. Goodnight you weathermen of questionable credential. (09/30/09)

Our vacuum smells like a dog. Either that, or our dog smells like a vacuum. (09/30/09)

Jen and I have finally settled on Halloween costumes: we’re going as Peaches and Herb. Reunited, and it feels so good. I plan to recruit John Rooks to back me up on the falsetto. (09/29/09)

Just ran up to the Quality for a couple of staples: cheese and beer. What more could a man need? (09/28/09)

The voices in my head sound like they’re snoring. (09/28/09)

…should be done procrastinating in just a few minutes. (09/27/09)

4:00 PM Friday. Last mile of the marathon. I sure hope someone’s cheering for me at the finish line. With beer. (09/25/09)

Chicken Soup for the Soul Patch or How I Really Could Have Used a Bigger Spoon to Eat My Lunch. (09/24/09)

Having a Mini-Me is sort of a pain in the ass. (09/23/09)

Lucy wonders why they call that thing in the kitchen a “spatula.” She thinks it would make more sense if it were renamed a “scrape-ula,” or a “flip-ula.” (09/22/09)

I was quick-draw on the snooze button this morning. Must have hit it about six times without even realizing. Consequently, everyone is late for everything. (09/21/09)

Instead of taking the $1.99 trade-in on Jen’s s**tbox mommy van, I think we’ll just find a nice abandoned lot somewhere and set it on fire. Good old fashion family fun! (09/20/09)

Just discovered a sign taped to my back that says “Kick me. I’m a weirdo.” I’m no detective, but the handwriting looks suspiciously like Isaac’s. (09/20/09)

I want this apple pie so bad, I’m willing to forgo the whole utensil thing. (09/19/09)

I know you are, but what am I? (09/19/09)

My avatar has stopped returning my phone calls. (09/19/09)

Rufus would prefer to only pal around with other small, white dogs. He’s such a breedist. (09/18/09)

I’m only away four days and Fall has fallen on Maine – mums in the pot, leaves turning on the trees, temp is like twenty degrees. Time to pull out the fleece. BTW, “mums in the pot” is not some euphemism for my wife hitting the bottle…or the loo. Just to clarify. (09/17/09)

I don’t know….it’s weird. I mean, it looks like a hotel bed. But it FEELS like a torture chamber. (09/16/09)

…is dancing dirtily. (09/15/09)

After a great deal of deliberation and ultimately fruitless effort, I must admit that Jen is probably right. There really is no way to work the word “furkini” into a socially acceptable status update. (09/11/09)

Flashlight reveals a couple of racoons getting it on in the tree outside Iko’s window. In case you haven’t heard, racoon sex sounds an awful lot like a homicide in progress. (09/09/09)

When you have All Wheel Drive, a brake job is like a mugging. A mugging where they steal your wallet, and your shoes, and your underpants too. (09/09/09)

Love is in the air. Or maybe its pollen. Whatever it is, its making my eyes itchy. (09/07/09)

Sean Tabb thinks he’s got it going bossa nova. (09/05/09)

These MBT shoes are the ugliest thing going. They’re designed to strengthen and improve your ass. They’d better, because that’s the only ass you’re going to get when you wear these shoes. http://us.mbt.com (09/04/09)

The Pina Colada Song. Worst Earworm Ever. (09/04/09)

Enough of this new rule. Thursdays are practically Fridays. Pour me a beer. (09/03/09)

If it were up to me, I’d be like “here’s your English muffin. Now be gone with you.” Not Jen. She’s making the kids pancakes on the first day of school! As Lucy used to say, she’s “the bats mom in the world!” (09/03/09)

How to do a spot-on impersonation of my dad: Fit horse racing, your cholesterol, and somebody’s cousin’s horrible death into every sentence. Sprinkle liberally with the profanity “Jesus Christ.” Serve warm with Shlitz. (09/02/09)

Wait until those gym divas get an eyeful of my shwanky bed pompadour. (09/01/09)

New rule: Apart from the weekend, we’re only drinking when we have company over or when we go out to a restaurant for dinner. Consequently, we’re always having company over or going out to a restaurant for dinner. (08/30/09)

The greasier the spoon, the better. (08/30/09)

Jen, Isaac and I are practicing The Art of the Nap. (08/29/09)

“The morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age…” That’s what I sing to my wife when I’m feeling romantic. (08/28/09)

I feel like a one-legged hula dancer on a booze cruise in a hurricane. (08/28/09)

Latest fun Google search that led some unsuspecting soul to Punctuated Equilibrium: “shots nurse butt”.  I’ll bet my blog wasn’t what they had in mind – too many words, not enough latex gloves. (08/27/09)

Thinking about donating a chin to medicine because, judging by the photos Jen took of me yesterday, I have one or two more than I need. (08/25/09)

Jen just reminded me of favorite kid quote: “My underpants are twisting and my dreams are coming true!” – Lucy, age 3. I’ve got to put that on a t-shirt. (08/24/09)

“I have no idea how this happens / All of my maps have been overthrown / Happenstance has changed my plans / So many times my heart has been outgrown.” – Wilco, “You Are My Face” (08/23/09)

The Killers are the worst band ever. If you don’t agree, we can take this outside. (08/23/09)

Damn. I knew if it was hot enough for long enough, this would happen. I just spontaneously combusted. (08/22/09)

It was nineteen years ago today that I met a girl named Jen in a bar called JJ Foley’s. I guess you could say we hit it off… (08/22/09)

It only took me until August 20th to get the front screen door installed. I am the un-handy man. (08/20/09)

Working hard to dispel my children of the misconception they appear to share that I’m they’re personal servant. (08/20/09)

Fox is broadcasting “Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage” tonight, in a bid to boost their profile as a serious news organization. (08/19/09)

This Geary’s Summer Ale tastes a little skunky, but I’m drinking it anyway. #lastbeerinthehouse (08/19/09)

First that crazy bat episode, followed by two straight weeks of feverish, coughing kids. What this house could really use is a can of Lysol and an exorcism. (08/19/09)

The fact that I’m wearing pants right now completely defies logic. (08/18/09)

…has a little shpilkis in my genechtagazoinke. (08/18/09)

Final rabies shot today. If this marketing thing doesn’t work out, I have a bright future in animal control. (08/18/09)

‘Twas a day not fit for man or beast. Or perishable food product. (08/17/09)

Isaac (about to get in the shower): “Dad, see my poses? I can only do them when I’m naked” (proceeds to ‘vogue’, or something) Me: “Ok. Nice poses. Now get in the shower.” Isaac: “Dad, I’m not even half done” (followed by more naked vogueing) (08/16/09)

Got off that boat looking like a cross between Billy Bob Thornton and George Hamilton; curious facial hair, and the color of leather. (08/16/09)

…is tanning the hide. (08/16/09)

Eating Ben & Jerry’s straight from the pint. (08/13/09)

Perils on the high seas, in descending order of concern: drowning, attacks by giant squid, and scurvy. Have added to my pack list the following: floaties, a pen knife, and a bag of oranges. Good to go. (08/13/09)

No time for a status update this morning. I’ve got to go get in shape so I can fight off my shipmates when they try to make me walk the plank for loud and incessant snoring. (08/13/09)

Fox News reporting that Obama’s “death panels will require all US citizens over the age of 30 to die on Carousel. Anyone trying to escape their Last Day will be pursued to their deaths by Sandmen.” Michael York and Jenny Agutter could not be reached for comment. (08/12/09)

Weekend plans: four guys, one boat, a near-empty bottle of sunscreen, beef jerky, Fig Newtons and a case of Red Stripe. The punch lines will write themselves. (08/12/09)

I can’t be 100% certain, but I think my dog just flipped me the bird. (08/12/09)

I’m guessing I’ve had these salad dressing stains on my shirt since lunch time. (08/11/09)

Tasked with making dinner tonight. Can anyone suggest a great recipe for take-out? (08/11/09)

Jen and I shut ourselves in our room last night with the A/C, while the kids sweltered with their rinky-dink little fans. This is, I admit, patently unfair, and also one of the many reasons I love being a grownup. (08/11/09)

In an effort to make a little spending money, Isaac would like to sell all his toys on e-bay. (08/10/09)

Portland, I love you, despite the fact that I can find no restaurant to satisfy my insatiable craving for breakfast pizza. (08/09/09)

Going to see Guster tonight on the Maine State Pier. Guster is for lovers. (08/08/09)

Want to know how to catch all the fruit flies in your kitchen? Leave your margarita unattended for 30 seconds while you leave the room. Fruit flies are screaming alcoholics. In related news, I need a strainer. (08/07/09)

Planning for next weekend’s sailing trip begins. I’m assigned ice and beer. Who has flares and life jackets, again? (08/06/09)

My hair has “walked like Paula.” (08/05/09)

A boy can not live on popsicles alone. (08/05/09)

Will buy Lucy back-to-school clothes on one condition: she’s not allowed to grow for another two years. We’re in a recession, you know. (08/04/09)

Somebody found my blog today by searching the following on Google: “I’ve jumped on my foot finger doctor opinion.” I can’t even begin to fathom what that means, but I’m happy to have you on board as a reader! And I hope you get some quality treatment for your self-abused foot finger. I’m guessing that “foot finger” is just a fancy, red state term for “toe.” (08/03/09)

This from Lucy on a Sunday night: “Oh, I wrote a song about 60 Minutes. It goes ‘I hate 60 Minutes…” That’s really all I have so far.” (08/02/09)

Somebody get these Cheez Doodles away from me. (08/02/09)

Lucy and and her pal Jane have taken over the kitchen to bake…something. Will it be cupcakes? Will it be cookies? Will it be pie? My stomach remains on high alert. (08/02/09)

Loves you like a rock. (08/01/09)

Had a night filled with the most bizarre dreams and can hardly recall any of it, except that part where I got tangled up in a laundry drying rack and realized that someone had painted my toenails with cherry red polish. (08/01/09)

Vietnamese take-out for dinner. (07/31/09)

HenryLouisGatesgate Update: I understand the “Beer Summit” ended with a rousing game of Thumper (“How do you play?” “All the way!”). Obama won, owing to the fact that he was only drinking Bud Light (which tarnishes his luster a lil’ bit, you must admit) (07/30/09)

The bathroom scale can not be trusted. (07/30/09)

“30% of the market is better than 22% of the market plus 8% of the market.” – irrationally exuberant and arithmetically-challenged Yahoo spokesperson, commenting on today’s Microsoft-Yahoo merger. (07/29/09)

Got some sweet patterns burned in my bare legs from the bottom of my smoking hot laptop. (07/29/09)

Currently on Twitter – Failed Childrens Book Titles. Faves include: Pat the Bunion; Curious George and the Toaster in the Bathtub; Ramona Quimby, Age 38 and Unmarried (07/29/09)

“Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” (07/29/09)

Just discovering now that Rufus yakked in the middle of our unmade bed today. May have to reconsider my unconditional love for said dog. (07/28/09)

Bugs are chomping on my ficus. (07/28/09)

Another hot and humid day. May the shorts be with you. (07/28/09)

Just realized that Isaac’s been up in the shower for the past 45 minutes. When I went to get him out, all I found was a shriveled-up prune with curly blond hair and a toothless smile. (07/26/09)

Talk to me. I’m all ears. It’s costing me a small fortune in Q-Tips. (07/26/09)

All this sitting by the pool eating guac and drinking Corona is making me sleepy. (07/25/09)

Bracing for a little forced family fun. (07/24/09)

To get rid of hiccups, Isaac suggests a radical cure: “You’ve got to scare a person, Dad. Like, throw them out of an airplane.” (07/21/09)

Gonna’ make like Van Helsing and go upstairs to kick some bat ass. (07/20/09)

There are worse things one can wake up to in the middle of the night, but a bat flying around Lucy’s bedroom ranks pretty high on my list. The Tabb family has a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. Vacation must be over. (07/20/09)

Scarborough Beach with Suzanne, Bill and all the kids – yellow flag, blazing sun, huge waves, boogie boarding, frisbee. pb & js. Outstanding. (07/19/09)

If you decide to vacation in Bayside, be warned: the radio only picks up classic hits. We heard Kiss’s “Beth” seven times; the whole Journey song catalog, thrice; lots and lots of Foreigner. I’m still humming Kansas’s “Dust in the Wind.” (07/18/09)

There’s a very particular kind of thrill when you think its Sunday, and then you’re reminded its only Saturday. I’ve experienced that thrill about five times today. If I could only find a way to turn that into a pill, I could make some serious money. (07/18/09)

Hogwarts snaps: “You so ugly, I could take your face, stick it in some dough and make some Voldemort cookies.” (yeah, Lucy and I are going to catch Half-Blood Prince at the Belfast theater this evening!) (07/15/09)

Dispatch from Belfast – day three, can’t stop eating. Had a bowl of cereal, some cold pizza, a few chocolate chip cookies, a candy bar I found in my backpack, some roasted almonds, potato chips, a slab of left-over steak from the fridge, some mo…re chips, nuts, cookies. And then it was time for lunch. (07/15/09)

I was told the soul patch looks a little “Billy Bob Thorton-esque.” (07/09/09)

Since it’s never going to stop raining, I’ve made a decision. Tomorrow I’m having my left hand surgically removed and replaced with a prosthetic umbrella. (07/08/09)

I didn’t realize when they forecast “scattered showers” they meant “scattered all over your head, all day long.” (07/08/09)

I hear this MJ memorial thing is such a big hit, they’re talking about opening on Broadway. (07/07/09)

Wouldn’t surprise me to hear that Michael leapt from the casket at his own memorial service and performed a song from his new *comeback* album, “Resurrection.” Wouldn’t surprise me at all. (07/07/09)

Rufus usually sleeps with Lucy, but since she’s away at camp, he’s moved to our bed. Waking up with that dog’s breath in my face – let’s just say now I know what it must feel like to wake up in the dumpster behind Boone’s fish market on a hot summer morning. (07/07/09)

Just discovered that my cellphone has hours of pitch-black footage taken quite by accident. I’m thinking of making an iMovie called “The Inside of My Pants Pocket.” (07/06/09)

Looking for a cellist to join my ELO tribute band. (07/06/09)

Isaac: “Mom, you want to play charades?” Jen: “Sure.” Isaac: “OK. First word is two syllables. Rhymes with “orange octopus.”” (07/05/09)

Lucy left today for her first-ever week away at summer camp. I miss her already. Also, having bad 80’s flashbacks to movies like Meatballs and Little Darlings. (07/05/09)

Sarah Palin resigning from Alaskan politics. She got a better offer, playing Tina Fey’s twin sister Susie “Sour” Lemon on NBC’s 30 Rock (07/03/09)

Note to self: It would appear the weather gods do not care for pandering and sacrificial virgins and Jayhawks videos. They prefer abusive language and personal insults. Good to know. (07/03/09)

Also, this weather is making me fat. (07/02/09)

It’s July 2nd. I’m drinking winter beer, wearing polar fleece and my knit wool cap. The weather gods are a**holes. (07/02/09)

I am easily distracted by pizza. (07/02/09)

Texting while drunk = druxting. Texting while driving = drexting. Texting while drunk driving = a compelling argument in favor of natural selection. (07/01/09)

Got a little breakfast cereal stuck in my soul patch. (07/01/09)

Just found out I’ve got some steep competition for my democratic party presidential bid in 2016. New campaign slogan – Al Franken is a Big Fat Pig. (06/30/09)

Finished True Blood (dirty, dirty vampires), moving on to Breaking Bad. Malcolm’s dad in tightie whities cooking crystal meth equals gooood tv. (06/29/09)

First Farrah, then Michael, now Billy Mays. Heaven just got a little prettier, funkier and squeaky clean. (06/28/09)

Two hours of writing, an hour of exercise, a few slices of cold pizza…this day is shaping up to be most excellent. (06/27/09)

There’s Isaac, sprawled out on the sofa, watching tv, scratching himself, drinking apple juice from a pint glass. Practicing to be an adult male, basically. (06/26/09)

They’re saying Michael Jackson died of cardiac arrest. Which is surprising. I kind of just assumed he died of freakishness. (06/25/09)

I figure getting to the gym is better than not getting to the gym, even if all I do when I’m at the gym is stand around talking for an hour. My jaw muscles are in very fine shape. (06/25/09)

“In the words of a broken heart It’s just emotion that’s taken me over Tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul…” Good luck trying to get that song out of your head. (06/24/09)

Kids got a little carried away with the arts and crafts today. There is paint in my dinner salad. (06/23/09)

If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower. (06/23/09)

These pretzels are making me thirsty. (06/22/09)

What with this neverending rain, the world is smelling like a big wet dog. (06/22/09)

In my next life, I want to be a rock n’ roll star. All I’ve got to do is die. And then be born again. And learn how to really play the guitar. Then make a deal with the devil… (06/22/09)

Cracker show. 10 feet from David Lowry, ex-Camper Van Beethoven. Crowd full of aging hipsters. “What the world needs now is a new Frank Sinatra, so I can get you in bed…” (06/22/09)

Had a tough time finding a Father’s Day card for my dad – he doesn’t golf, doesn’t fish, doesn’t drink anymore and doesn’t have a lawn to mow. So what does that leave? “Dear Dad. Thanks for not screwing me up too badly. Love, your son.” (06/21/09)

Just helped Jen finish her cocktail. It tasted like a Flintstones Chewable. (06/20/09)

While Jen was lost in Anthropologie for an hour, I wandered the streets of Boston: checked out a hemp store, tried on some cool green Camper sneakers, pitched a book deal to the granddaddy of all reality television *stars* Richard Hatch… (06/20/09)

is closing his eyes, just for a momentzzzzz…….(06/20/09)

When I said I’d never buy Starbucks again, I meant never for the next, like, 15 hours. It’s not easy to defy ubiquity. (06/20/09)

Old lady watering her lawn called Rufus “a pretty dog.” She obviously hasn’t seen him in the morning. (06/18/09)

“Happy Anniversary baby, got you on my mi-ii-i-i-nd!” Jen and I celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary today! (06/18/09)

It’s getting to the point where I can’t tell the difference between Lucy’s clothes and Jen’s when I’m putting away the laundry. Hijinks and hilarity ensue. (06/17/09)

Narrowly escaped death by laundry. (06/16/09)

Happy Bloomsday. (06/16/09)

is wondering if it’s too late to change his mind about having kids. (06/15/09)

is rebuffering his stream. (06/14/09)

Just set my username to Facebook.com/seantabb. All you other Sean Tabbs can suck it. (06/13/09)

where’s the clicker? Where’s The Clicker?! WHERE’S THE GODDAMN CLICKER!?! (06/12/09)

Today, analog television is history. Another relic from our childhoods, officially extinct. Rest in peace, rabbit ear antenna wrapped in aluminum foil for better reception, rest in peace. (06/12/09)

The promise of expected weekend guests has inspired me to vacuum in places I haven’t vacummed for a very long time (06/11/09)

is kinda’ gettin into this True Blood program. HBO, Anna Paquin all growns up, rated X vampires…what’s not to like? (06/10/09)

is up to his eyeballs in alligators. Sorta’ like being “in the weeds”, only with less hay fever and more sharp teeth. (06/09/09)

When I become president, weekends will be extended to include Fridays and Mondays. And news organizations will be forbidden from mentioning Jon & Kate + 8 ever again. Vote Tabb in 2012. (06/08/09)

Got tix to see Cracker @ Asylum 6/21. “What the world needs now is another folk singer like a need a hole in my head.” (06/07/09)

is looking forward to doing nothing. (06/07/09)

Working the grill at today’s school Spring Fair. Flipping burgers, turning dogs, sampling inventory. (06/06/09)

Enjoying family movie night, with pizza and adult beverages. (06/05/09)

So chilly I had to pull on a fleece tonight. That just ain’t right. (06/05/09)

is gobsmacked. (06/05/09)

is dancing for pennies. (06/04/09)

Two words: Choco Taco. (06/02/09)

Finally returned the Netflix movie I’ve had out since August 2008. Mad Men, Season One, Disc One. Never  finished watching it. Cost me about $120. Feeling simultaneously defeated and triumphant. (06/02/09)

Gillette would like you to replace your 3 blade razor with a 5 blade razor. I’m holding out for the 10 blade razor, so I can shave my face, back, legs and dog all in one fell swoop. (06/02/09)

If only Facebook could be broken more often, what a productive place the world would be. (06/01/09)

…is looking a little hirsute about the cheek and jowl. (05/31/09)

…has poppyseeds in his teeth, and nobody told him. (05/29/09)

Got a girl with mad bargain hunting skillz. Latest coup – upholstered Crate & Barrel chair, $59(!) at Sal’s. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna’ go sit on it. (05/28/09)

serpentine, shel, serpentine! (05/27/09)

…has brain cramp. Urgh. Administering beer now. (05/27/09)

Obama sending North Korea to bed without dinner. (05/26/09)

40 degrees in Portland this morning. Brrrr. We’re freezing our sunburns off. (05/26/09)

…is going to slip into something a little bit more comfortable. Like my bed, for instance. (05/25/09)

What’s simple in the moonlight in the morning never is. (05/25/09)

Actually said to my daughter “you’re going to learn the value of a dollar young lady.” When did I turn into annoying 1960’s TV dad? (05/24/09)

In The Book of Life, page one rule one should be “Don’t buy your meat from the dollar store.” (05/23/09)

“Maybe” is the new “no.” (05/23/09)

…is a “car windows open, air conditioner on” kind of guy, as Jen pointed out this afternoon. Not something I’m proud of, mind you. (05/22/09)

Must be summer, ‘cause these kids have some SERIOUSLY dirty feet. (05/21/09)

Four-day weekend starts…..now. (05/21/09)

Post-Stationery Show Rehabilitation Program: Step 1 – Get Thee to a Gym. (05/21/09)

In New York, pirating someone’s unsecure web connection. Arrghhh. (05/16/09)

Porch is my new favorite room of the house. (05/15/09)

Classic case of fruit blindness. (05/14/09)

…is picking up what you’re putting down. Like that beer for instance. Are you going to drink the rest of that?  (05/14/09)

…might, just might, let the kids buy a Wii with the money they earn at their proposed lemonade stand/car wash/tapas bar. (05/13/09)

Heard in the backyard: Isaac, ever the conscientious objector, expressing his appreciation for the sport of Noodle Jousting – “Isn’t it really nice to hit people and not have it hurt?” (05/12/09)

Eating a Cadbury Cream Egg I’ve squirreled away since Easter. The era of self-discipline has evidently ended. (05/12/09)

I think I might have over-jalapenoed my quesadilla. (05/11/09)

Approaching Monday with extreme caution. (05/11/09)

There’s a bug in my beer. (05/09/09)

Assuming the Friday evening position: front porch, adult beverage, chips and salsa. (05/08/09)

A toast to Portland’s many unsavory characters. Like the patrons of Matthew’s say. Or the fellas I saw this afternoon, in their sport coats, cut-off jean shorts, tube socks and Timbalands. Cheers! (05/06/09)

Cinco de Mayo. Viva los Pantalones! (05/05/09)

Spending warm summer days indoors, writing frightening verse to a bucktooth girl in Luxembourg… (05/03/09)

Rufus is a lucky, lucky dog, lapping up the full glass of Magic Hat HIPA I just spilt on the living room rug. (05/01/09)

Irregardless. (04/30/09)

Lucy has requested no more status updates regarding her. In related news, I am chagrined. (04/29/09)

(This one went on for awhile…)

It feels so sad, kinda’ like when a favorite character leaves a TV show. Buh bye, Trapper John! Buh bye, Diane Chambers! Maybe she’ll return for a special guest appearance during Sweeps Week.

Lucy has rejected my intial offer of $2 per post and 5% of future royalties – back to the bargaining table. Isaac, however, overheard the negotiation and now insists that he will not work for less than $2 a post. Management is losing their shirt.

Lucy joined the track team at school. Now she’s running around in circles in our (small) backyard, breaking in her new sneaks and practicing her “breathing.” (04/29/09)

Suspicions confirmed: Isaac, too, needs glasses. The Tabbs are officially a family of 4-eyes. (04/28/09)

…is assiduously avoiding anyone who’s recently visited Mexico and smells like bacon. (04/28/09)

Isaac checked another lil’ boy rite of passage off his list today: kidney bean lodged in ear. Next up – tongue on freezing flag pole OR peeing on electric fence. Stay tuned. (04/27/09)

…is getting himself a “slanket.” Seriously. Tomorrow, first thing. (04/23/09)

My news feed is all plugged up with a gigantic wad of everyone and their mother’s “Five Faves.” Quick, someone, get me a plunger. (04/22/09)

Going away for a couple days with the family, leaving Rufus home alone to watch the house. Word on the street is he’s planning a kegger. (04/22/09)

Why do men snore a lot, and women not so much? Could it have something to do with our fat heads? (04/22/09)

Taking the dog for a walk in the rain. Just as soon as I locate my galoshes. (04/21/09)

Didn’t run in today’s Boston Marathon, but if he had he would have finished somewhere around 26,387th place. And then he would have celebrated with beer. (04/20/09)

Put down fertilizer and grass seed on April 11th, and havn’t seen a drop of rain since. Lawn care gods, why hath you forsaken me? (04/20/09)

My car looks like a dog went off in it. (04/19/09)

If Facebook improved physical strength and cardiovascular fitness, I’d be sound as a pound. But alas… (04/18/09)

Maybe, just maybe, should have stopped after pizza slice #6. *Erp*. (04/17/09)

Life is like a reality game show where every immunity challenge involves things like laundry, dirty dishes, vacuuming and balancing the bank account. And I lose, every time. (04/17/09)

Need some pepper for my paprikash. (04/16/09)

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. (Beat that) (04/15/09)

Went to the doctor complaining of dizziness, fatigue and shortness of breath. He told me I needed a workectomy. (04/15/09)

Chocolate fingerprints on the sofa and the coffee table tell of a terrible struggle lost by a Cadbury Cream Egg. (04/13/09)

They’re eating chocolate for breakfast at the Tabb residence this morning. (04/12/09)

Had it been left to Mr. Easter Bunny, the colored eggs would still be “hidden” in the fridge. Much gratitude to Mrs. Easter Bunny, for taking care of business! (04/12/09)

Just saw an announcement for a community theater version of The Full Monty in Waldoboro, Maine. Now that’s BAD naked. Thinking maybe I’ll audition. (04/10/09)

Ike convinced me to play the app “Who Has The Biggest Brain.” Results indicate “not me.” (04/10/09)

Has some Trix up his sleeve. No, really. Trix, the cereal. No idea how they got up there. (04/10/09 – 30 Rock edition)

…was mauled by my pillow last night. Heading off to the gym with bed prints on my face and a hairdo like Don King. (04/09/09)

Currently accepting resumes for a ghost Twitterer. Must be prolific, quintessent and redonkulous. (04/08/09)

While playing sidewalk Boggle with Ike today, he spelled the word “wiener.” As I looked at him with eyebrow raised, he explained “it’s a German hotdog, Dad. Really. It is.” Six points. (04/05/09)

Wouldn’t mind so much when the dog pulls stuff out of the trash if he’d just put it back when he’s done. (04/04/09)

“For a guy who’s sick of Facebook, you’re sure on Facebook alot.” – Jen (03/31/09)

According to Isaac, April Fools Day began at 7:50 this evening. That’s why he told me I look just like Anoop. (03/31/09)

Didn’t notice I’d used the dog food mixing spoon to stir my coffee until it was too late. Way, way too late. Damn these early mornings. (03/31/09)

My wife is kicking my ass in the friend department. Could it be she’s just plain friendlier than me? Why yes, yes it could. (03/29/09)

Reason #37 why children are good to have around: they make excellent human back scratchers. (03/27/09)

Jennifer is my little french enchilada. And you, you are my mexican croissant. (03/26/09)

Beer. And steak. And beer. And steak. And….. (03/25/09)

Never give up. That’s what I keep telling my daughter. She asks me to stop, but I tell her I can’t. That would be giving up. (03/23/09)

…is feel ng incompl te. (03/21/09)

Mulletplication: the exponential proliferation of mullets. (03/19/09)

Holy moley. Things just took a turn into Weirdsville. (03/18/09)

The dog is dragging his tuchas three feet across the carpet. Which is very entertaining. To Isaac. The rest of us are resigned to never walk on that section of carpet ever again. (03/17/09)

I’ve eaten macaroni & cheese four of the last five meals. Crazy busy, or gustatory rut? (03/16/09)

Starting the weekend now. Tomorrow is just a formality. (03/12/09)

Supporting my local Target. (03/10/09)

I work, therefore I shave. (03/09/09)

5 Comments leave one →
  1. August 11, 2009 6:07 pm

    … This ain’t no mudd club, or C. B. G. B.s ~~

    But this page is hysterical!!! Best status posts I’ve ever read! ;D

  2. Tara permalink
    August 22, 2009 8:54 pm

    Love your posts, often… ?

    T

  3. September 24, 2009 8:53 pm

    This is entirely selfish, but I want more quotidian yawp for the evening bedtime ritual when I sit in the dark with my laptop and wait for my son to fall asleep. Is this too much to ask for?

  4. December 13, 2009 5:25 pm

    Theses are so great… my sister and I were just reading them and laughing… she actually wants a pair of MBTs!!!

  5. Marnie permalink
    April 13, 2010 1:27 pm

    Oh, what I have been missing this past year! These entries are hilarious. Thanks for getting me to laugh (kicking and screaming, but still doing it). Now I have a new source of entertainment, instead of fattening foods.

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