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Sex on the Beach: A Risk Assessment

June 29, 2016

If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the Cape/ You’re the love that I’ve looked for, come with me and escape” – Rupert Holmes, Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

Beach sex is one of those things that sounds great in theory, and looks terrifically appealing when performed by carefully trained professionals under strict OSHA guidelines, but in the unpracticed hands of randy amateurs it is absolutely fraught with danger.

Before you and your partner drop your bathing suits on some remote spit of sand and start getting it on, consider the following:

Chafing – risk degree: High

There’s a good reason 99% of intercourse happens on a bed or the kitchen table or the hood of a Mustang: no abrasives!

If you’re beach sex-curious and a newcomer to the scene, first try this: go to your local hardware store and buy a pack of the coarsest grit sandpaper you can find. Then take it home and rub it vigorously on your bits.

Note – this practice can only approximate the wildly unpleasant sensation of beach sex. Actual sand grain size will vary, depending on your geographic region. Beaches of the Caribbean are fine and soft, albeit crowded with tourists and a challenge to privacy. Beaches in Maine are more remote, but very rocky. If you’re conditioning for sex on a Maine beach, forgo the sandpaper and smash your bits with a large boulder instead.

Sunburn – risk degree: High

Do not fuck with the sun. It is bigger than one million Earths and 10,000 degrees and just a hop skip away, astronomically speaking, and it will toast your lilywhite nether regions faster than a marshmallow on a campfire.

And don’t go thinking a dab of sunscreen’s going to help you, either. They do not make an SPF high enough to shield your dainties from this kind of spontaneous combustion. Enjoy the sex while it lasts, because you are going to spend the next three weeks slathered in aloe.

Bug Bites – risk degree: High

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “sunburn? I’m not getting a sunburn! I’m having sex on the beach AT NIGHT!” Good plan. Don’t forget the DEET!

After dark, the beach is veritably teeming with blood-suckers: midges, chigoes, no-see-ums, sand flies, mosquitoes, insurance salesmen, vampires named Ray, they all rise up once the sun goes down and will LITERALLY eat you alive. And not in the good, “sex on the beach” kind of way. In the exsanguinating way.

If you’d rather your baby maker didn’t resemble ten miles of rough road the next morning, might want to schedule some sex on the Motel 6 credenza instead.

Nesting Terns – risk degree: Medium

You know that scene at the end of Hitchcock’s The Birds where Tippi Hedren gets mauled by birds? If you end up having the sexy sex too close to that spot on the beach where the terns are nesting, that’ll be you. Except you won’t be wearing a fashionable trench coat and waving a flashlight. You’ll be naked. And sunburnt. And probably covered in bug bites. And you’ll have sand in your hoo-haw. In other words, a real shit show.

And one more thing: If the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service catches your naked, sunburnt, bug-bitten ass tip-toeing through the nesting reserve of migratory birds, they’ll slap it with a $15,000 fine and throw you in jail for six months for good measure. Then you’ll be having penniless jail sex. Super duper not sexy.

Dog Walkers – risk degree: Medium

If confronted by a dog walker during beach sex, it’s best practice to ignore them. If they linger too long or pull out their smartphones and begin filming, stop having sex and pretend like you’re not naked and strike up a conversation with them about their dog – its breed, age, temperament, vaccination schedule, that sort of thing. They’re likely to be quite gregarious for a while, until it dawns on them that they’re chumming up to a couple (or more) naked, sandy strangers on the beach. Then they’re likely to grow very uncomfortable very quickly and excuse themselves and shuffle away. Though not before they’re dog has eaten a nesting tern.

Drowning – risk degree: Low

Sex in the ocean is highly impractical. First of all, no leverage. Second of all, shrinkage. Third of all, sharks. The list goes on and on. Be real – unless you’re a scuba porn enthusiast, or Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity, rolling in the deep is not for you.

Crustacean Attack – risk degree: Unknown

Probably not an immediate threat, but when the lobsters finally do rise up to take control of the world, you will definitely not want to be caught with your pants down. Having sex. On the beach.

Sex on the Beach 3

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