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Ben Carson Retracts His Retraction

November 10, 2015

Ben CarsonI was offered a full scholarship to the U.S. Military Academy at West Point.

Did I say “scholarship”? It wasn’t actually a scholarship. But I was accepted at West Point.

I never even applied to West Point. Which makes it all the more outstanding that I was accepted at West Point.

Right. Not an acceptance, technically speaking. More like an informal offer.

OK, OK, I never received an informal offer from West Point. I’m not even sure where West Point is. Somewhere west, I’m guessing.

Though I neither received a full scholarship nor an informal offer from West Point, I have seen Saving Private Ryan five times.

My staff has informed me that I have not seen Saving Private Ryan five times. The movie I’ve seen is Shaving Ryan’s Privates. Five times.

I have achieved the level of Prestige Master in Call of Duty: Black Ops II, Xbox 360 edition.

My bad. I don’t own an Xbox, and I’ve never played Call of Duty. What I meant to say was, I own an Atari 2600 and I kick ass at Lunar Lander.

The Atari 2600 is not mine. It belongs to my nephew. I do have the high score on Lunar Lander.

Correction. My nephew has the high score on Lunar Lander.

I did beat my nephew at Stratego one time.

When I was a kid, I constructed elaborate military battle scenes with my G.I. Joes.

Alright, I only had one G.I. Joe. His name was Steve. There were no elaborate military battle sequences.

Unless you count that time G.I. Steve and Barbie were getting it on like horny Yorkshire Terriers and my mom busted into my room.

And she found out I drew pubic hair on G.I. Steve with a brown magic marker.

Did I say Steve? I meant Barbie.

Did I say a brown magic marker? I meant a green magic marker.

Did I say when I was a kid? I meant yesterday.

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