The Ten Commandments: An Agnostic’s Deconstruction
December 3, 2013
- I am the Lord your God. Thou shall have no other gods before me. Unless it’s Tom Waits.
- Thou shalt not make thyself an idol. Look what happened to poor Taylor Hicks, playing county fairs and weddings at the Elks.
- Do not take the name of the Lord in vain, for chrissakes.
- Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Especially Iron Man.
- Honor thy father and thy mother, otherwise they’ll be dicks when you ask them for money.
- Thou shalt not kill or murder, unless it’s a cow, chicken, or other tasty barnyard animal and it represents thy dinner. Free pass if thou art vegetarian. Then you’re just killing plants.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery. Exceptions include extramarital sex with preordained celebrities whose names must appear on a laminated card, notarized by thy spouse and kept in thy purse or wallet at all times.
- Thou shalt not steal. Burning friends’ CDs or downloading from bittorrent sites doesn’t count. That’s called SHARING, a kindly behavior encouraged in kindergartens around the world.
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Also, don’t bear thy soul or thy private parts to thy neighbor. You’ve got to live next door to that person, for chrissakes.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. This commandment is no problem for me, since my neighbor’s wife is a horror show.