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Prototype Submissions for New Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Condom

April 23, 2013
Not your run-of-the-mill jimmy protector

Not your run-of-the-mill jimmy protector

“One of the (Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation) projects listed on the group’s website Tuesday calls for submissions to ‘develop the next generation of condom’. The foundation is offering $100,000 in grant money to fund any group that can come up with a prototype ‘that significantly preserves or enhances pleasure, in order to improve uptake and regular use.” CBC News, March 26th, 2013

Smoker King – Incorporates authentic, barbeque-style “ribbing” for greater pleasure and post-coital snacking. Could be a contender. Legal has expressed some concern over liability for soiled sheets.

The TARDIS – This condom appears commonplace when removed from its foil pack, but slip inside and users discover a sprawling, tropical vacation resort complete with Infinity pools, free drink coupons and a lifetime supply of Bain de Soleil. A clear front-runner, though we’re still searching for one research participant who defected during usability testing.

Hoover Dam – Talk about a reservoir tip – this one has room for recreational boating. The extra latex costs alone make this a non-starter.

Lube and Go – Lubricated inside and out, this condom is greasier than fried dough at a carnival. Residual benefits include a free, 10-minute oil change for your motor vehicle. Throw in a complimentary radiator flush and this could be the “dark horse” favorite.

Knotty-by-Nature – Misspelling of “naughty” was apparently deliberate; Steve from R&D now hospitalized with penis tied in sheepshank.

Microsoft – Odd “Windows” –style tip makes glans look like Cyclops pressing face against plastic wrap. “Safe to Remove Hardware” message keeps popping up in the middle of intercourse. Orgasms followed by “blue screen of death”. Disqualified.

Jeeves – This condom also serves as a personal butler, capably handling light housework, meal preparation and general accounting. Patented “White Glove” design is a clever feature, though four extra sheaths make user look like a cow and considerably impede sexual congress.

Red Eye Willy – Designed for hot sauce enthusiasts, this condom substitutes habanero pepper for spermicide. Rockets straight past “warming sensations” all the way up to “penis melting” on the Scoville Heat Units scale. Cool package design, but target market is way too niche-y.

Morning Wood – Strong value proposition – “Enjoy morning sex and still be on time for work!” Product features are very intriguing: prevents STDs and unwanted pregnancy, brews coffee, fixes breakfast, shaves your face and freshens your breath with a minty fluoride rinse. However, baggy fit reminds us of old pajama bottoms, and our English muffin was burnt on the bottom. Pass.

Ten-foot Pole – Potential customer base consists of one guy named Stanislaw living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Investigation confirms he’s been married 22 years, with three teen-aged kids and a vasectomy. Market penetration could be a problem.

Puds n’ Suds – A condom that provides reliable protection while also pressing shirts, Woolite-ing delicates and de-pilling your sweaters? Looks like a winner! Careful to not mix lights with dark colors or your junk will get all streaky.

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