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What I Read Over Summer Vacation

September 26, 2012

“[A study of more than 21,000 British children] finds that text messages are the most commonly read material outside of class.” – “Number of Children Reading for Fun has Fallen Since 2005, Study Reveals”, The Guardian, September 6, 2012

Dear Ms. Peterson,

I accidentally burned the summer reading assignment you handed out on the last day of school, but not to worry. Like my dad always says, “when the going gets tough, the tough give 110%.” Well, you’ll be happy to know that I gave 110 THOUSAND percent, Ms. Peterson! Did I give up when my experiment with aerosol deodorant and a cigarette lighter turned your book list to ashes? (an A+ science project, I might add. That is, if Mr. Donnelly bothered to assign summer homework like you.)

No, I did not.

I problem solved. I persevered. Like our forefathers who founded this great nation, I took lemons and made lemonade.

It is frankly not an exaggeration to say I read a whole shit-ton this summer (which I know sounds like profanity but is in fact an actual unit of measurement. I learned about it at my summer job pouring assphalt). Specifically, I read a whole shit-ton of texts.

I can’t report on every one because there are literally like 1.2 jillion, 110% of which are NSFT (“not safe for teacher” – ur welcome). But I stole a page from our government’s playbook and inserted those black bars they use to censor sensitive, Wikileaks-type information and topless photos of Kate Middleton on Google Image search.

To assuage your doubts (one of my fav vocabulary words we learned last year. It’s literally amazeballs how often the prefix “ass-“ comes up in daily conversation!), I’ve included a few choice excerpts of my summer reading here, along with a brief critical analysis of each:

“of course she ______ the ________ gangnam styl! They were very tight…Lol”

The author of this text (Mick Swanson, who didn’t do this ASSignment at all b/c he found a loophole in the system called the GED. Srsly, and now the kids who smoke are talking about erecting an honorary statue of him in the quad to which I say wtf?) addresses a key theme in classic literature, namely the unbreakable bonds of romantic love. Just like Romeo and Juliet, only these two are both still alive and she’s “in a family way,” as my Aunt Tina would say.

“BaAHAHAHAHA!!! _____ that _____!!! who was it?!?”

A close reading of this text would infer that the author is amused by something funnier than any plain old “LOL” or “haha” will do justice. However, when read in context of all the other “BaAHAHAHA” texts she sent me this summer, it is plainly clear the author is on bath salts.

“I have seen the greatest minds of my generation starving hysterical naked dood I am so ______________ ________ cant even ____ my shoos ~¿~”

The author of this text was clearly inspired by historical sources, namely his ridiculous obsession with those dope fiends from the Beat Generation. I swear, if Jack Kerouac walked through that door right now, he would probably dry hump the guy. I actually heard him recite the first two stanzas of  “Howl” at a kegger before three players from the football team shut him down with a Class A wedgie. Extra points for the ace illustration. Guy’s a regular Bob Ross.

“Tyler this is your mother pick up milk on the way home”

Remember when we studied Ernest Hemingway last year and you referred to his writing style as “minimalist”? Well the same could be said of my mother. And just like Hemingway’s “A Farewell to Arms,” where that guy ends up losing his arms, I stayed out past curfew and drove Dad’s Kia into a ditch and on top of everything forgot to pick up milk and ended up saying farewell to my social life for the month of August.

“You have a secret crush, Click ‘Yes’ to find out who.”

At first I thought some girl was totally playing “Hermione Granger” to my “Ron Weasley,” but then I clicked a link in the text and discovered it was only this Nigerian dude looking for my social security number. Talk about a buzzkill. BTW, I’m applying to Brown next year, hoping to catch a glimpse of da bomb Emma Watson b/f she gets her you-know-what together and graduates, so if you wouldn’t mind writing me a letter of recommendation, that would be excellent, thx!!

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