Skip to content

Fifty States of Grey

August 10, 2012

A trilogy of erotic novels are sweeping America, expected to sell 20 million copies this week. Here, a state-by-state guide on how the books are being adapted for local markets.


Christian role-plays a Denny’s employee. Ana is a chicken fried steak.


Christian is a bush pilot while Ana gamely plays a bush. The festivities are marred by the unexpected arrival of an aggressive Kodiak bear who wishes to make it a threesome.


Ana illegally crosses the border. Christian, dressed as a border patrol guard, Tasers her in the butt.


Loyal, hard-working secretary Ana stays late on a Friday night, helping her boss Christian, a C-level Walmart human resources executive, “relax a little.” Security cameras film them doing unspeakable things with Sam Walton memorabilia.


Christian acts the part of an old-timey gold prospector. Ana shows up as a porn star. They check their texts to see where the misunderstanding might have occurred.


Christian, as “Tim Tebow,” runs Ana, aka “the ball,” in for a touchdown. While booking the two for criminal trespass, security guards at Mile High remind them that Tebow is a Jet now.


Christian pretends to be a CPA from New Haven. Ana is a spreadsheet. The two sustain minor injuries while attempting to execute a particularly tricky “pivot table” maneuver.


Christian plays chairman of the board to Ana’s limited liability corporation. After determining they have a quorum, taking a shareholder vote and wrapping things up with a little erotic spanking, the two fall asleep watching Game of Thrones on hotel cable.


Ana pretends to be an arthritic retiree while Christian lies in predacious wait as a very hungry crocodile.


Christian “Wolf Blitzer” Grey traps Ana “Christiane Amanpour” Steele in his “Situation Room” for a little anchor-on-anchor hanky panky. The festivities are marred by the unexpected arrival of an aggressive Jim Cramer, smelling of Coca-Cola and peaches and wanting to make it a threesome.


Ana, pretending to be a sacrificial virgin, literally throws herself at Christian, playing the role of a volcano. His subsequent injuries are confined to a chipped tooth and sprained penis and assumed to be non-life threatening.


Christian role-plays a hungry traveling salesman. Ana is a baked potato. The Motel 6 in Pocatello levies a surcharge for the removal of sour cream and chives from the bed sheets.


With Christian doing his best Rahm Emanuel impersonation, the two lovers get it on against the right field wall at Wrigley Field. Soon after, Ana discovers a hitherto unknown allergy to ivy.


Ana, pretending to be NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, pulls her stock car into the pit for fuel and a tire change. Crew chief Christian gets carried away and attempts to install his ball joint in her trunk, completely ruining the mood.


Christian and Ana do it like people from Iowa. While driving by, a family on vacation from Oregon mistake what they see in the field as an instance of cow-tipping; they pull over to take pictures.


Ana and Christian perform a nude re-enactment of their favorite scene from the movie Twister, but the wind velocity generated by six Vornado room fans proves insufficient to lift a cow off the ground.


Christian has one too many mint juleps and deflowers Ana’s Derby hat.


Christian plays the part of famed New Orleans musician and gourmand Dr. John. Ana, ravishing as a fried oyster po’ boy, doesn’t stand a chance.


Ana pretends to be a lobster. Christian is a moose. Together they enact the most outlandish experiment in interspecies sexual relations the world has ever seen.


Christian role-plays a Chesapeake Bay fisherman. Ana, tired from all the travel, interprets her role as “The Crab” by skipping sex and reading a magazine instead.


With Christian doing his best John F. Kennedy impersonation, the two lovers get it on all over Plymouth Rock. Ana, uncertain whether she’s Jackie O. or Marilyn Monroe, is soon immobilized with a bad case of sand-induced chafe.


Contract talks between “Chrysler president” Christian and “UAW negotiator” Ana come to a stalemate over compensation, benefits, and the fair and equitable distribution of handjobs. The stage is set for “binding arbitration” when Christian realizes he forgot his duffle of ropes and handcuffs on the airport baggage carousel.


Christian acts the part of a Mall of America security guard. Ana is a shoplifter. After an intense interrogation and compulsory strip search, they pick up his-and-hers matching hoodies at American Apparel and stop at the food court for an Orange Julius.


Christian pretends to be a catfish-noodler. Ana is the catfish. Their intimacy ceases abruptly when Ana realizes that “noodling” involves the insertion of fists.


Christian pretends to be Tom Sawyer. Ana is a picket fence. Needing a break from all the kinky sex, Christian pays a couple of bums to whitewash her and takes in a Cardinals game instead.


Christian and Ana re-enact Custer’s Last Stand. In the process, “Little Big Horn” replaces “Mitt Romney” as the new favorite euphemism for Christian’s penis.


Ana role-plays an ear of corn that Christian husks quite lustily.


Aroused after an evening watching Cirque du Soleil, Ana and Christian transform their Caesar’s Palace hotel room into a flying circus. Ana suffers a bruised coccyx when the drywall anchors give way and their improvised sex harness/trapeze pulls down part of the ceiling.

New Hampshire

Ana and Christian are drawn to a spot on the map called Pinkham Notch, mostly because its name sounds kind of kinky. Anticipating an Eden for solitude and outdoor sex, they are instead disappointed to discover a bustling visitor center overrun by pasty New Englanders wearing socks with their Tevas.

New Jersey

Christian and Ana reenact that infamous scene from The Sopranos where Tony dresses up as a Furry and Carmela, in full dominatrix gear, gives him the “bada bing” with the business end of a Cuban cigar.

New Mexico

Christian pretends to be an Area 51 security guard. Ana is an alien visitor from a distant planet. Together they enact the most outlandish experiment in intergalactic-species sexual relations the universe has ever seen.

New York

Ana and Christian explore bondage in the back of a New York City taxi cab. The driver confuses Ana’s safe word for their destination and mistakenly drops them off at the “Guggenheim.”

North Carolina

Christian is a down-on-his luck tobacco farmer. Ana is a Krispy Kreme donut.

North Dakota

Christian plays the part of a grizzled paleontologist. Ana is a dinosaur fossil. Her titillation wanes during the excruciatingly slow “excavation process.”


Christian pretends to be Congressman Dennis Kucinich. Ana, in a red wig and dangerously tall platform shoes, role-plays his much younger wife Elizabeth. Together, they discover the real reason Ohio is called a “swing state.”


Ana role-plays a Native American. Christian is a 19th-century settler. Their portrayal of “Manifest Destiny” includes more anal beads and ball gags than is historically accurate.


Christian and Ana do it like people from Oregon. While driving by, a family on vacation from Vermont mistake what they see in the bike lane as an instance of pickling; they pull over to take pictures. Our heroes later realize the next town over is named “Beaverton” and kick themselves for missing a golden opportunity.


Ana and Christian are Amish teenagers on rumspringa. Community elders disapprove of their experimentation with alcohol, marijuana, and bondage mittens.

Rhode Island

Christian swaggers about like an ascot-wearing yacht captain. Ana, unfamiliar with the term “WASP,” pretends to be a sexy stinging insect of the order Hymenoptera.

South Carolina

Christian plays a God-fearing man with uncontrollable appetites. Ana is pulled-pork barbecue. The number of moist towelettes consumed in the post-coital clean-up is jaw-dropping.

South Dakota

Ana and Christian, growing a little tired of one another, have sex with coyotes instead.


Christian’s “Dolly Parton” fantasy is spoiled when an avalanche of tissues, toilet paper and gym socks tumble from Ana’s bra as he’s attempting to attach the nipple clamps.


Plans for surreptitious sex at the Alamo are scuttled when Christian realizes he left the lubricant back at the hotel. Fifth-graders on a school field trip are treated to a new variation of the old story when they overhear Ana screaming, “Remember the Astroglide!”


Christian and Ana role-play Donny and Marie. She’s “a little bit country,” he’s “a little bit rock and roll.” The sex is a little bit icky.


Ana and Christian do it like people from Vermont. While driving by, a family on vacation from Iowa mistake what they see in the covered bridge as an instance of liberal guilt; they pull over to take pictures.


Christian and Ana engage in prolonged and salacious tickling at the sites of many national historical landmarks. Docents around the state are notified via APB to be on the lookout, with the judicious use of deadly force authorized if necessary.


Ana is a barista. Christian role-plays an espresso macchiato. They end up in a Seattle hospital emergency room when she steams the milk too long, resulting in a nasty scalding incident.

West Virginia

Christian and Ana have sex with miners. No, not minors—miners.


Ana is a giant wedge of cheddar cheese which Christian, role-playing a Green Bay Packers fan, melts on a brat and inhales between downs.


Ana, lying very still, pretends to be Grand Teton. Christian, as a mountain climber, takes the role-play too far when he summits her peak in his crampons.

Originally published by The Morning News, July 12th, 2012.

No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: