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More Things the Super Committee Failed to Agree Upon

November 25, 2011

Who's Hotter?

The United States Congress Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction, aka the “Super Committee,” was composed of 12 seasoned politicians, six each from the Democratic and Republican Parties. Like exalted members of some Bizarro World Justice League for policy wonks, they were handpicked by their party leadership and sent away to some remote atomic bunker or college dorm room for three months to solve our nation’s debt crisis. Perhaps not surprisingly, they failed abjectly and emerged from their sequester like voles from a hole: confused, blinking, greased to the elbows in take-out fried chicken and Crab Rangoon. Not a pretty sight.

Of course, no human being can reasonably be expected to think “debt reduction” for three straight months, (especially) not even Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. Like most elected officials, these guys obviously had a little spare time on their hands. Let’s just say the conversation sometimes drifted. Here are a few more things the so-called Super Committee failed to agree upon:

The enforcement of Robert’s Rules of Order in pick-up games of paintball. Senator Jon Kyl (R- AZ) motioned to make the pejorative phrase “Move THIS, Muthafucka!” a required declaration whenever a player executed a successful hit. Before a vote could be taken, Xavier Becerra (D-CA) effectively “moved to amend” by sneaking up behind the Senator from Arizona and shouting “Butt Munch!” while unloading his pistol execution-style into the back of Kyl’s head.

A sidebar discussion over the Obama administration’s handling of troop deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan digressed into a heated debate over which strategy, Surge or Withdrawal, was the most effective method of non-contraceptive birth control. Partisan chaos ensued.

Breaking Bad: Season 3 VS. The L Word. “Walt and Jesse would kick those lesbians’ asses!” boasted Jeb Hansarling (R-TX) to Patty Murray (D-WA). No amount of internal gerrymandering could bring the sides together so, in a rare gesture of compromise, the Super Committee rented season two of Mad Men instead, ignoring the childish protests of Senator Max Baucus (D-MT), who ‘d already seen it and insisted on spoiling the ending.

The Hottest White House Press Secretary in History? Dee Dee Myers or Marlin Fitzwater? While everyone agreed in principle that Fitzwater resembles the Penguin from Batman, Republicans insisted that he was “way, way hotter” than Myers, with her “shockingly small bosom and Jezebel-eyes for George Stephanopoulos.” In the end, the conservative side of the rec. room invoked cloture and filibustered the vote, perhaps realizing that the position they occupied would not poll well with American voters.

Purple Haze VS. The Chronic. Super Committee members were again divided when attempting to IM their order for an ounce of “medicine” from Rep. Barney Frank’s (D-MA) super secret, ultra-exclusive marijuana dispensary and home delivery service. Failing to reach consensus, they ended up ordering both. Unbeknownst to members of the GOP (now referred to as Team Penguin), Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), a political colleague of Frank’s from the state of Massachusetts, had a coupon in his wallet offering 20% off the second baggie (of equal or lesser value). Though the savings could have contributed to the $1.3MM debt reduction objective, they went unreported to Kerry’s committee colleagues and were instead auto-deposited to President Obama’s 2012 reelection campaign fund.

The value of the gratuity paid to one Mr. Raj Donda, Mehndi Artist, for services rendered at the United States Congress Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction Henna Tattoo Party. Unfortunately, Senator Kerry did not have a coupon for this.

Who is the most 1%? Super Committee members put their bank statements on the table for nonpartisan analysis by a moonlighting member of the Congressional Budget Office, who noted in her final report that everyone in the room had “more money than God.” Dissatisfied with the inconclusiveness of the ruling, they turned to an independent arbiter – the avowedly apolitical pot delivery kid, who after 15 seconds of thoughtful deliberation awarded the prize to the Republican side, for their “really bad hair and Vineyard Vines ties.”

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