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82 Uses for a Shellacked Gourd

November 22, 2010
  1. Good for everything but eatin’

    Immunity Idol

  2. Special “Friend”
  3. Bunsen Burner (Gilligan’s Island variety)
  4. Ironic Decorative Table Element
  5. Company Christmas Bonus
  6. Instrument for bludgeoning
  7. Self-massager
  8. Headdress (Carmen Miranda variety)
  9. Shoe Horn
  10. Earplug for Giants
  11. Percussion instrument
  12. Pet (Low maintenance variety)
  13. Fly swatter
  14. Bikini top (Note: requires two shellacked gourds)
  15. Bookmark
  16. Flotation device
  17. Bicep Falsies
  18. Clogs
  19. Birdhouse
  20. Bathouse
  21. House for Small Animal Other Than Bird or Bat
  22. Sailboat for Talking Mouse
  23. Mr. Shellacked Gourd-head Toy
  24. Scrotal Package Enhancer
  25. Bike helmet
  26. Athletic supporter
  27. Place to keep your weed
  28. Gift for your in-laws
  29. Non-ironic Decorative Table Element
  30. Lady Gaga fashion accessory
  31. Bath Toy
  32. Snack for Andy Richter
  33. Muff for Mr. Squash Hands
  34. Extremely unsuitable substitute for a basketball
  35. Trophy
  36. Tie Clip
  37. Soup Bowl
  38. Accessory to a shellacked Thanksgiving dinner
  39. Accessory to a crime involving felons armed with petrified delicata
  40. Objet d’art (Williamsburg hipster variety)
  41. Object of Scorn and Derision
  42. Paperweight
  43. Car Seat
  44. Fake nose for “Owen Wilson” Halloween Costume
  45. Bong
  46. Booty Enhancer
  47. Neti Pot
  48. Chamber Pot
  49. New Drummer for The White Stripes
  50. New Quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings
  51. New Coach for the Dallas Cowboys
  52. End-of-year gratuity for the newspaper delivery guy who skips your house every other Sunday
  53. Place to keep your porn
  54. Yankee Swap gift (Least popular variety)
  55. Molotov Cocktail (organic variety)
  56. Security bubbie for young child of struggling squash farmers
  57. Ceremonial incense burner for touchy-feely Unitarians
  58. I.U.D. (Birth control for giantesses variety)
  59. I.E.D. (Road-side bomb for crazy, reclusive anti-government squash farmers variety)
  60. Tea Cosy
  61. Necklace (scoliosis-inducing variety)
  62. iPad Case
  63. Place to keep the tattered remains of your dignity
  64. Passable substitute for fondue pot
  65. Passable substitute for scorpion bowl
  66. Jewelry box
  67. Ammunition for your gourd-slinging trebuchet
  68. A hot date (if you play your squash right variety)
  69. Name for Billy Corgan’s new band
  70. Stylish, semi-biodegradable hip flask
  71. Ornament for your Festivus pole
  72. Urn for Grandpa’s ashes
  73. Codpiece for little-known, underappreciated superhero Captain Pattypan
  74. Housewarming gift for new next door neighbors
  75. Bitchen’ hood ornament
  76. Not so bitchen’ winter hat
  77. Horcrux
  78. Place to keep your loose change
  79. Excellent serving dish for party snacks
  80. Condom (Makeshift variety)
  81. Doppelganger for new Speaker of the House John Boehner
  82. Viable candidate for 2012 presidential election (Tea Party variety) 

Special thanks to Lisa Goeden Taylor, Michael Bourque, Doug Harmon, Deirdre Hickok Bridge, Scott Turner, Kim Crabill, Jeff Callahan and the Tabb Family Players for their contributions to this list. We tried to get to 101, but the mountain was just too high. If you have other ideas, leave them in the comments below. And Merry Thanksgiving!

This list was originally published at Writing, Writer, Writest on November 21st, 2010.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Bill permalink
    January 16, 2011 10:35 am

    The addition of wheels should give another 10 uses. But it looks like we’re talking mostly unmodified…

    A pencil/pen holder thing for your desk.
    Kindling.
    Tissue dispenser.
    Small rodent or spider house.
    Desktop speakers (well, that’s a bigger mod I guess).
    Sounding a warning (a la conch shell).
    Markers in high-stakes bingo.
    Props for your still-life painting factory.

    • Bill permalink
      February 12, 2011 10:14 am

      Buoy for crab or lobster pot
      Short-term storage for used paint thinner (cf # 55)
      Piñata
      Stacked en masse, a backyard bird habitat
      Signal beacon (when the large bird habitat becomes boring, and you live by the peak of a large mountain, and two or three armies of Orcs are approaching)

      • Bill permalink
        March 27, 2011 8:52 am

        Caddy for your remote controls

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