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Dead People You Wish Twittered

October 15, 2010

Given the chance to tweet with the dead, I would follow my maternal grandmother. She passed away fifteen years ago, long before I realized the secrets she was keeping. A short, imagined excerpt from her Twitter feed, assuming she would follow me back:

DeadNana @pithnvinegar  Look at u in ur pic! Eyebrows like ur Poppy! Have u been eating? Ur face looks thin. And that hair! #timeforabarber

DeadNana @pithnvinegar Sorry I didn’t reply sooner. Busy social calendar. Kettle balls. Apparating lessons. Mah Jongg. Cocktail hour starts at 4 PM.

DeadNana @pithnvinegar Mac keyboard is sticky. @Shakespeare spilled Dr. Pepper. Pls excude poor speling.

DeadNana RT @kanyewest THERE IS A GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! / As kids around here say, “no shit, Sherlock.”

DeadNana @pithnvinegar God rarely comes out of his office, but I did see him at gym last Tuesday. The spitting image of Tom Brady.

DeadNana @pithnvinegar Secrets? Let’s see. The money’s in the mattress (all $150) + ur Poppy dressed like a woman. I wish I was kidding. ROFLMAO!

DeadNana @pithnvinegar Also, we’re really Jewish. Would have told u sooner, but Poppy said no. Here he is in girdle: http://twitpic.com/3aw24b

DeadNana @pithnvinegar I love you and miss you. Remember to eat! Must run now, I’m late for shuffleboard match with @beaarthur. XO!

Originally published by The Morning News, as part of an article titled “Dead People You Wish Twittered.” 

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